What my teachers never taught me

Rabba or Maharat? Who cares!!!!??????

2010-02-05T09:22:00.007-05:00

Oh my G-d. (Don't want to offend anyone by spelling it out) Because, Lord knows, everyone has to weigh in on this. Mahara't? Rabbah? Not wanting to re-hash the whole debate, (click here for story) I have been reading the comments on the popular orthodox web site, Vos Is Neias, and I have come to believe that our people are insane.

For those of you who want the short version, Rabbi Avi Weiss, Rosh HaYeshiva of Yeshivat Chovevei Torah and senior Rabbi of The Hebrew Institute in Riverdale, last year, ordained Sarah Hurwitz after she completed seven years of study, the same as any man would do. Because the HIR is a modern Orthodox synagogue, and because Rabbi Weiss was smart enough to realize that he would take a lot of heat for the action, chose a title that indicated ordination, but was different enough not to threaten the establishment. After a year of everyone wondering what the heck "Mahara't" meant, (it meant nothing to anyone outside of the HIR) they decided to change the title to Rabbah, a feminized version of Rabbi. I think that it is kinda dumb and funny, and they should just call her Rabbi, but it brings us a step closer. I have to admit, I have come to this position reluctantly, because I admit, I was one of those who felt that Halacha, Jewish law, should not casually be tossed aside. Over the past few years, however, i have been challenged (primarily by my wife) to look deeper into many of the things that "feminists" push for, and have found them to have halachic integrity. I Put the word feminist in quotes, since I don't think it applies. This is not a feminist issue. It is a thinking Jew's issue. And too often, we don't think. We rely on everyone else to think for us, under the guise of "they are gedolim - greater thinkers than we are" and i think, to some extent, because it is easier. There are those who would have us think that we cannot upend halacha or tradition, but that is completely against our tradition. Consider that 100 years ago, Sarah Schenirer departed from traditional Judaism by creating a system of educating, get ready here, GIRLS! I wonder how many people today would argue against giving girls a Jewish education? And that took a mere 100 years or so. Another 150 or 200 years before that, they were going to excommunicate the Baal Shem Tov, the father of chassidut for his radical thinking. I think that one took hold.
So back to the beginning about our people being insane. Change happens. All throughout our history, Rabbis have changed Jewish law. Who gets to decide which Rabbis have the right to do that? Answer is, we all do! So for me, Kudos to RabbiS Weiss and Hurwitz!

Eyes Wide Open

2010-01-25T09:53:00.002-05:00

Last night, at the New York Jewish Film Festival, I watched a movie called Eyes Wide Open, a movie about Aaron, an ultra-Orthodox butcher in Jerusalem and a dedicated husband and father, who hires Ezri, a handsome student, as his apprentice. When his time with Ezri comes at the expense of his family life, Aaron faces threats from neighbors and town elders. Haim Tabakman’s sensitive feature debut explores the devastating consequences of forbidden passion.
It is now the second film about gay life in the Orthodox/Haredi world that I have seen in the last two weeks.

That either says that there seems to be an awful lot of interest in gays in the orthodox world, or that there is a lot more of it than people would imagine. I have lots of ideas about this, but I won't bore you with my thoughts. It is funny to me that with the groundbreaking work by Rabbi Steve Greenberg in the film Trembling Before God and just the repeated media exposure over all sorts of Rabbis and Clergy involved in same sex relations, that people still question. The Cantor at our Conservative Temple is openly gay, and lives with her partner, with whom she had a public ceremony in her shul. A few years back, a member of our Orthodox community hosted a reception for their daughter attended by over three hundred people celebrating the marriage of their daughter to another woman. The Ketubah was on display for all to see.
Yet despite the progress we have made, there are still those who refuse to be tolerant. There was a funny moment last night, at least I thought it was funny, when following the film, the director got up to answer questions. The director, who was Israeli, had long blond hair, and clearly did not appear to be from the Haredi world. A woman got up, and said, "have you ever lived in the Haredi world, or gone to a Yeshiva?" She went on, to say sarcastically, " I can translate it into Hebrew if you don't understand." He replied, not only do I understand, but I also understand your tone... this drew laughter from the audience. He paused and said, " I did not go to Yeshiva, nor did I live in the Haredi world. What happened was, one morning, I got up and decided to make a science fiction film about the Haredi world...... and at that point the woman shouted, "and that is exactly what you did" and stormed out of the theater. He went on to say that he had done pretty extensive research, and interviewed many people, and felt his movie was pretty true to form.

And by the way, I felt the film portrayed a highly sensitive and difficult subject in a very thoughtful, tender and respectful way.

Frankly, I am pretty sure that the incidence of gays in the orthodox world would mirror the statistics that we see everywhere else, but i think that both opportunity and societal pressure limit the ability for people to express themselves.

Look, I understand that as an observant Jew, balancing the Biblical commandments with reality presents a challenge. However, as a therapist, I also know that we often keep our eyes wide shut.

That doesn't really solve anything either.

Happy Tish'a B'av

2009-07-30T11:15:00.003-04:00

This is the greeting offered by one of my co-workers. Well, I admit, it did make me chuckle. I then explained to her the meaning (as I understand it) of Tish'a b'av, the whole destruction of the Temples thing, and all the awful things that have befallen the Jews over the centuries. But it got me to (continued?) thinking. This whole Judaism thing is really tough. Trying to find ways to inject meaning into things that happened a millenium ago is not easy. So last night we did what we often do on Tish'a B'av, try to figure out where to go. After all, it is one of the very few "holidays" where if you are observant, you can go to the "away ballpark", wherever that is. So the search for which orthodox synagogue in the New York area will provide the most meaningful, spiritual services begins in earnest, a few days before. This year, it was to be Darchei Noam, the egalitarian orthodox synagogue that meets at the Heschel School in Manhattan. In years gone by, it has been The Hebrew Institute of Riverdale, (Avi Weiss' Shul), The Hebrew Institute of White Plains. (Maybe I should have gotten a clue when all the places we were going were "institutes" like, short for institution) I think the most "fun" we had at a shul was the Spanish Portuguese Synagogue in Manhattan, with customs dating back two centuries in New York, and going much farther back. So it was determined that we would see what Darchei Noam had to offer in the spirituality department, since we have had such great experiences at Shira Chadasha in Jerusalem. All that was before the "TOE". You see, a few days ago, my wife stepped on a piece of glass in our home. After two visits to the podiatrist, she was not having a great amount of relief. So yesterday, after speaking to a colleague whose husband is a pediatrician, he suggested that she come see him to remove, what she was sure, was more glass in her foot. It was appropriate, of course, since my wife is, how shall we say, a bit of a reluctant patient. So seeing a pediatrician, with his soothing, patient demeanor would be comforting. So off we went, at about 4:00, to see Harry, the Pediatrician. After what seemed like an eternity, he was able to remove what was, in fact, a small piece of glass or two, and off we hobbled, my wife wounded, but on the whole, much better, we believed.

Unfortunately, the trek into the City was now going to be postponed, since the pain, and the impending tornadoes were threatening to put a damper on our plans. So after our ritual seudah mafseket trip to our pre-tish'a b'av restaurant in Westchester County, we made the decision to return home, to our less than ho-hum synagogues to hear the reading of Eicha. Disappointed that I would not have a tish'a b'av experience, and no women reading Eicha that night, (alright, call me a heretic) i suggested to my wife that perhaps we skip the shul reading of Eicha, and instead, do it ourselves. And that is exactly what we did. We went home, and after completing the evening prayers, we sat down, my wife with her injured foot elevated, and me on the floor, in typical tish'a b'av fashion, we dimmed the lights, and I began. Toward the end, my wife took over, beautifully chanting the last two chapters of Eicha.

I had found a way to make it spiritual, after all.

Being Part of the Club - or not!

2009-07-24T11:36:00.004-04:00

My former brother in law, whom I don't think ever reads my blog, mercifully, seems to have picked me to debate Judaism with. A silly sort of back and forth, since we have some diametrically opposed ideas when it comes to belief and practice.
He started off this barrage with the question, "do you believe?" After I figured out what he was asking that i believed in, he described Judaism as a sort of club, where you either follow the rules and become a member, or opt out of the club. Now opting out of the club does not mean you opt of Judaism, rather just a particular group of Jews.
This has spurred an ongoing debate which neither of us can win, since we both hold immutable tenets that are diametrically opposed to one another. Firstly, he rejects change altogether. Or if not, he feels it needs to take several centuries to accomplish. While I understand the nature of his concern, i disagree entirely, and that is where we ultimately will have to agree to disagree.

But this club he refers to, made me think. Yesterday, as I am sure most people know, several Rabbis were arrested for money laundering from the Deal, NJ community. This is a proud, close knit community of mainly traditional Syrian Jews who I imagine must be sick over the publicity they are getting in relationship to this tragedy. So they must want to leave that club, because membership has negative privileges. Then of course I read the article in the Yeshiva World News that Rabbi Yitschak Tuvia Weiss is encouraging his followers in Meah She'arim to protest in the streets this Shabbos because of the continued opening of a municipal parking lot, which is sure to create hostility, and maybe even a little name calling and throwing of nasty objects.

Another club that I would not want to belong to. And while I really do want to talk about the meat and potatoes of the discussion i have been having, today, i pose the question, "which club do you belong to, and why?" I know the answer to that one for me. So many clubs, so little time.
Shabbat Shalom

The Catskills and a welcoming community

2009-07-20T14:16:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was visiting day at my son's camp, so despite the fact that this is his last year, we made the long (170 miles each way) trip to visit. It was a beautiful day, and the drive was very pleasant. After the visit was over, my wife and I decided to relive our youth and pay a visit to some of the other communities in the Catskills that we used to frequent. We headed off to Woodridge, a community with a fair amount of new building and changing communities. It is absolutely amazing to see that the entire Chassidic world moves upstate for the summer. I saw Vishnitz, other assorted chassidim, and the most interesting to me was the "summer home of Yeshivas Chaim Berlin." Now I went to Yeshiva. Trust me, we had no "summer homes." And everywhere, and I do mean everywhere, there are men with beards and payos, and women with sheitels (wigs) and long skirts, and little boys playing, with their tzitzis flying in the wind. The funniest sight was of what looked like a pick up basketball game, somewhere near woodridge, with a bunch of men, some African American with no shirts on, and others, men fully clothed, with long sleeved white shirts and shoes playing a basketball game.
In contrast to my post of the other day, no one was throwing garbage. Or dirty dipapers. Blacks and chassidim playing basketball together. Maybe the folks from Mea Shearim should take notice,

Is this what G-d wants? - The Jewish People - We are our own worst enemies

2009-07-17T10:23:00.004-04:00

The violence going on in Israel between the Chareidim (ultra orthodox) and non - Chareidim really disturbs me. (Story here) The gist of it, this time, is that a mother, who apparently nearly starved her child to death, was arrested due to neglect. As the story unfolded, the implication was that the mother had Munchhausen syndrome by proxy , an illness where the mother intentionally harms her child/ren in order to obtain medical treatment and sympathy for herself. In any event, the response by the chareidi community, of which this woman is a part, was to wreak havoc on anybody and anything. Burning tires, throwing garbage, physically assaulting people. I have never witnessed these events, not living in Israel, but I can fantasize the image. Men, (because surely the women would not be allowed to participate in public) in long black coats, hats, and long beards throwing garbage at policemen. What a sight that must be.

Is this what G-d wants? When the mayor of Jerusalem permitted the opening of a parking lot on Shabbat, the chareidim rioted. On Shabbat. I mean, come on, people, on Shabbat? Throwing dirty diapers at innocent people, at policemen.

I am a big believer in letting everyone find their own path to G-d. No matter how you slice it, throwing dirty diapers, while dressed in your Shabbat finest is just not it. You can't convince me that it is. Nothing justifies the chilul hashem (desecration of G-d's name) that this promotes and encourages. Not to mention adding fuel to the fire for those who are anti-chareidi. Because, you see, at the end of the day, we all get lumped together if we are observant, and there is no distinction. I, for one, don't want to be part of the diaper throwing, Shabbat violating chareidim protesting a parking lot. I will find my own way. I wish they would find theirs.

Kashrut - It's What I've Always Said

2009-07-16T08:45:00.004-04:00

So, it has been more than a year, maybe closer to two since I have posted, but I have decided, on a whim, to try to get back into it. There are so many things that go on every day, and so little time, but let's give it a shot.

I came across an article that appeared in the Baltimore Jewish Times, sent to me by Yussi, that talks about Hebrew National and its "status" in the Kosher consuming world. (Jewish Times article) I don't fully accept everything that the article says, but much of it is true. The article implies that much of what happens in the Kashrut world is political, and I must admit, from my personal experience as a mashgiach (Kosher supervisor) with two of the largest Kashrut organizations in the world, it did not appear that way. Of course, I was removed from the front office, so I cannot tell you about the wranglings and goings on back there. I will tell you, that what should be of more concern than the politics, is the actual Kashrut of the products being supervised. But I save that for another time. Suffice it to say for the moment, that even among those supervisory bodies that everyone "trusts", there are more than a few problems that could send the whole process into question. After all, if you really want to avoid kashrut issues, eat only fruits and vegetables, and make sure you grow them yourself!

But back to Hebrew National. I ate Hebrew National as a kid. I grew up in a small town far from the Kosher world, and if you wanted Kosher meat, that was what you got. Then off to Yeshiva, where i was told, no, you cannot eat it. Why? Well, it is just not done. Something about a technical issue that the meat was out of the sight of the supervisors during packaging, and therefore, no good. So no more Hebrew National for me. Besides, Nathan Katz? (I think that was the supervising Rabbi for a while) Who the *#@#@ is he? No one knows. Can't trust him. Then, years later the bigger scandal.... they are rinsing their meat in water that is too hot, which at least had some teeth behind it in terms of disallowing it. I know, let's change supervision! And then everyone will love us and trust us.

So, we switch to the Triangle K.

Well, it was a good thought, but Ralbag? (administrator of the Triangle K) No one trusts Ralbag! I remember the rumor when i was a kid, and Drakes became Kosher under the Triangle K. Well, it's only dairy, so how bad could it be? Then I heard the "in"famous story that one day, some unnamed person, called the Drakes company and asked to speak to the Rabbi/supervisor. The alleged response, was "oh, he doesn't come in very often." By the way, we changed the ingredients. Do you think we should let him know? That was it for the Ralbags. True? Who knows, but that was 25 years ago. My brother, (who I am sure would not eat Triangle K anymore) was the one who said to me, "I met Rabbi Ralbag. He is a religious man, with a long white beard." Well, i don't know that the beard length makes much of a difference (if it did, i would grow mine longer) but there is no questioning the Ralabg's (his sons run the business now) credentials or seeming personal qualifications.

So I don't know about all of you, but in the future, Hebrew National might just find a place at my table. OK, so it will be on paper plates.

Ending the Madness

2007-07-16T09:42:00.001-04:00

There is an organization called End the Madness whose goal it is to help those orthodox singles find a mate. The organization bemoans the fact that the traditional means of finding your "bashert" currently employed by the orthodox Jewish community does not work. Part of the main problem is that the singles and their families are often more concerned with the things that don't count more than the things that do. Chananya Weisman, who is the founder of End the Madness just wrote an article that was forwarded to me this morning, that really hits home on this. While I don't like to take up lots of space with pasting someone else's articles, since I cannot find a link to it yet, I post it here: (below the article is the actual message of today's blog)

Living a Contradiction: By Chananya Weissman

You work for a living, and you work hard for your living, at that. You spent many years and many more thousands of dollars to receive a higher education, and you value the fact that you are a worldly, well-rounded person. You follow the news in a variety of media. You enjoy the many wonderful advances in science and technology of our modern world.You have a variety of hobbies and interests that may include sports, literature, art, music, travel, and so much more. You are politically informed, place a premium on independent, critical thinking, and believe that every person is and should be unique. You send your children to schools that reflect this understanding of the diverse needs of every individual and that prepare them to have a variety of options as they prepare for adulthood.In your professional life you often have to deal with members of the opposite sex. You ride buses and trains that carry both genders, and frequently dine in restaurants in which men and women stand on line together and sit at tables together. Occasionally you encounter someone who is not dressed appropriately and you avert your eyes, but you recognize that such experiences are normal and don’t feel any religious obligation to eat only at home as a result. You or your children may have even attended schools in which males and females are not completely separate.Your wife either does not cover her hair, covers it grudgingly, or covers it with a very expensive shaitel that is designed to make her appear stunning and the envy of all who see her.When you grew up, and certainly when your parents grew up, it was normal for people to meet and go out on dates. You met at school, in camp, in shul, at chessed projects, at political rallies, and in general through being open to meeting new people. Friends introduced one another. Shadchanim offered their services, but you hardly knew anyone who wanted or needed their services. Personal ads were something you would get a chuckle out of. It was generally pleasant to meet people, go out on dates, go steady with someone, and ultimately find someone to marry. The men were gentlemen, the women were ladies, and people acted appropriately. This was how rabbis met their future rebbetzins, too. It was nice. One glorious day your child announces that he is getting married. Chances are that his dating experience was far less pleasant, and that he relied primarily on shadchanim and online personal ads to find people to date. You understand now that this is more religious, this is what Hashem wants, and this is in fact the way it probably was throughout Jewish history. You accept what you hear. After all, that’s what people are saying, and who are you to question?Your first reaction upon hearing that your child is getting married is not joy, but relief. Your darkest nightmares – which have come true for so many others – have been averted. Your child will get married after all.You plan a wedding. And plan, and plan, and plan. There are lots of details to consider, but one thing is certain from the outset: the husbands will not sit with their wives, and the single men will not sit with the single women. First of all, you have suddenly become concerned that someone may dress or act inappropriately, despite everything else about your upbringing and background. Second of all, you heard that some rabbis with a mystique about them, a certain aura, and a large devoted following are against the idea of men and women interacting unless they are married or planning on marrying one another very soon.Third of all, you don’t want to fight over it. Your kid is getting married. So what if the singles at the wedding would like the same? Besides, maybe someone of the same gender will set them up, or something like that. That’s right. Hashem can work it out if He wants. They just have to daven and believe. It’s not your headache.Fourth of all, you want your chassidishe cousins to be comfortable. That’s the most important thing.You don’t ask yourself why you are suddenly taking an extreme approach regarding the separation of the sexes, one that does not manifest itself in any other aspect of your family, social, or professional life. You don’t ask yourself why you are so vitally concerned with what certain rabbis think about this issue when these rabbis are not your poskim, do not share your philosophies and values, and in fact would consider pretty much your entire lifestyle to be outside the pale. They would accept nothing about you and how you live, they would hurl insults at your religious outlook, and they would accept your children only as reclamation projects, not as good Jews. All they would accept of you is your tzedaka dollars and that you have a yiddishe neshama. But you don’t ask yourself why their opinion on mixed seating at weddings is suddenly so important to you.You don’t ask yourself why you don’t follow these same rabbis when in comes to watching an occasional movie, having an Internet connection, reading a newspaper, reading a book, having colors in your wardrobe, working for a living, allowing your wife to pursue ambitions outside the home, and so much more. You don’t ask yourself why your local rabbi is suddenly no longer good enough to rely upon.You don’t ask yourself why you aren’t living in Bnei Brak and learning in a kollel, if that is what you REALLY believe Hashem wants of a good Jew. You don’t ask yourself why you are being so inconsistent by following these extreme opinions on matters like mixed seating, shidduchim, certain matters of kashrus and the like, yet live a lifestyle that suggests you have a religious outlook that isn’t always black and white, one-size-fits-all, don’t ask questions, just say no.You don’t ask yourself any of these things. Maybe then you would realize that your religious observance is based more on social expectations than religious values, tradition, and compelling teachings. Maybe then you would realize that you are dancing from doorpost to doorpost, desperately hoping only to be accepted by your neighbors. You have separate seating at your child’s wedding because that’s what some people expect of you, not because you really, truly believe it’s right. But you say nothing. After all, you want your grandchildren to be able to get a shidduch.

All of this brings me to the original reason behind this post, which is, of course, "the Boy." The 20 year old daughter of a friend is (make that "was") dating a nice young man from England while she studies in Israel. They met a few weeks ago, and "the Boy" as she liked to refer to him, seemed to be having a very nice time with her. Clearly she liked him very much, and was very infatuated. In fact, she even started changing her behavior for him, like not wearing pants when they went out, but wearing a skirt instead. He was thoughtful, attentive, bright, handsome and liked her very much. Or so he said. He would email her after the dates and tell her what a great time he'd had. and looked forward to seeing her again. And then, apparently, last night, the Boy told her that he came from a family that only used shadchanim, (matchmakers) and that things between them could never work out. And with that, unceremoniously, the relationship ended, and "the Boy" was gone. Just like that. I won't bother to go into the obvious social gaffes here and the feelings involved. Perhaps a different time. It just struck me as amazing that here, the night after this awful event, I am sent Rabbi Weissman's article that seems to me to fit this to a tee, and felt that I had to share it with you. Maybe he, and his organization will be successful in helping other "Boys" or girls who have to deal with them make better choices with fewer outside influences.

Virgins get in free

2007-07-13T09:03:00.001-04:00

I had intended to go on about the trials and tribulations of my vacation, but this was too ridiculous not to pass on. I am really not much of a prude. Nor am I shy about many things, but having been raised in a small town in PA, I am still taken aback at times by what passes for normal in New York City. It is a great town, with much to offer, but at times, you have to scratch your head, and say, geez........ In this morning's paper, there was an Associated Press article about giving free tickets to a new off-Broadway show called "My First Time," a comedy, to anyone who can demonstrate their chastity. The show, based on a 1o year old website inviting users to anonymously describe their losing their virginity.

Which, as the article goes on to ask, begs the question.... just how will the theater know?

Well, enter Sebastian Black, the human lie detector. Black is a self described mind reader/hypnotist who is a "master of body language." He will conduct interviews and determine whether or not those before him have ever done the dirty act. Apparently he is pretty good at figuring out who is telling the truth. The producer, Ken Davenport would not say how many virgin tickets are available, but commented that "there are not that many virgins in New York. What can you expect from the town that spawned "Sex and the City?"

Summertime, and the blogging is slow

2007-07-12T16:38:00.000-04:00

During the summer my time to blog is somewhat more limited as I imagine most of yours is as well. Couple that with the occasional vacation, and you are in blogging limbo. I have just returned from such a vacation, and have not had a chance to sit down at the computer to write since work and life have gotten in the way. Today's post is short, a warm up to tomorrow. Having just returned from Florida I will issue one piece of advice that I am sure many of you already know about this time of year.... (with apologies to all the Floridians out there) DON'T GO!!!!!!!!! I really like the Sunshine State. I have been there many times. What I don't like is the Sunshine State, or at least the lower part of it, in the summer. Hazy, Hot and Humid takes on new meaning. And if you are like me, it is impossible to go outside without your eyeglasses fogging up. I think someone should, if they have not yet, find a way to make glasses that don't fog when you go from the air conditioning to the steamy Florida outdoors in the summer. Thankfully, most of the places you go in southern Florida are close to the water, so at least you can take a dip. It was even too hot for the Florida wildlife. Being the adventurer that I am, i dragged my wife to Corkscrew Swamp Sanctuary in Naples, Fla. Expecting to see alligators, herons, frogs, turtles and birds of all kinds, what we found was a beautiful gift shop with a proprietor who said "don't expect to see too much wildlife out there. The drought is keeping them away." Well he was right, except for one thing that I found in abundance. Mosquitoes. Or should I say they found me. You see, I obviously emit whatever chemical that says to them "come bite me" and they do. By the time we left, I had seven bites and needed a drink. No gators or wildlife of any kind we could see. Despite all the complaining, my first trip to southwest Florida showed it to be at least as beautiful as its eastern cousin. The gulf is amazing. Incredibly warm, with calm shores and waters. The sunsets, as we were told over the phone when we booked our hotel, were not to be missed. They are truly an awesome sight. Sometimes, however, life interrupts, and vacations, while pleasant, turn out to be something different from what you expected. But more about that tomorrow......

You can't take it back - family and other hazzards of life

2007-07-03T13:31:00.000-04:00

As a therapist, I often have to live life looking at it from several perspectives. There is the one perspective that wants to be like most people and just react to life. Then there is the other one that says "you have to have empathy, compassion, understanding" when all I really want to do is shake the people in front of me so hard that their eyeballs pop out. The latter persona (calm, empathic and compassionate) is usually the one that wins out in the end, so you can feel free to visit me at the office and I won't shake you too hard.

Recently I had such an experience in my own family. My niece got engaged. There was just one tiny little problem. She had neglected to tell her parents about it. A tiny little problem which loomed much larger as the engagement party, hastily put together, was to take place. (A mere three days after the announcement) Well, you can imagine the mayhem that ensued as it turned out that her parents were not too keen on the engagement, given the length of the dating period (less than two months) and the daughter, determined to marry said young man, did not intend to seek her parents' endorsement. Enter the uncle....... which would be me. I was asked to support the young bride and her intended (emotionally) which I said I would gladly do. That was until I found out that the parents were a negative request at the upcoming party. My lovely niece decided that it was best for all if her parents did not attend given their marked reticence. She was concerned that there might be "a scene" despite the fact that is was not at all their style. And so began a flurry of last minute negotiations between uncle, fiancee, siblings, parents. Everyone who was going to go originally had now opted out, turning what was to be a joyous occasion into something that was going to leave many of us with hurt feelings, and irreparable rifts. I am not exactly sure how, but in the end, my niece changed her mind, and we all went and had a wonderful time celebrating what we hope will be a long, terrific life together for these two young people.

One of my wife's mantras to anyone who will listen is that "you can't take it back", one of the things of which she reminds me regularly, that I have come to experience again and again. (luckily not between us.... yet!) What she means by this is that there are things in life, once uttered, or performed, that are indelible, unchangeable and damaging beyond repair. No matter how much we didn't mean it when we said ____ (fill in the blank) we can never take it back. We may forgive, we may overlook, we may say we will forget, but more often than not, we can't. And this is why we have to be so careful in the first place. I told my niece "this is one of those things you can never take back." I don't know if she heard me, listened to others, or listened to her inner voice, but in the end she did what was right. Even if it didn't feel right at the time. And this is what we all need to do a bit more. Don't do or say things that we can not take back. There are no (or at least very few) do overs in life. Why chance it?

Frummer (more religious) than the Torah

2007-06-29T09:03:00.001-04:00

When I was in 11th grade, I had a Rebbe (teacher) who used to say "you can't be frummer, or more religious, than the Torah. The implication was that the Torah has a set of requirements, and the custom of going above and beyond was unnecessary. And while you might disagree, his prime example was the custom of 10 and 11 year olds fasting. There is precedent in the literature for young kids doing this, but his contention was that "when you reach bar/bat mitzvah age, you have to fast." You can practice if you want, but it is not necessary.

All this leads me to the news stories yesterday regarding Eliyahu Chaim Fayzakov, a religious 20 year old talented singer, who happens to have a voice that sounds like a woman. (Listen to the link here) Here is a nice young man, with a large black yarmulke whose recorded music which is played on radio stations has been banned by charedi stations for fear that the listeners would feel that the station was (g-d forbid) playing recordings of women singing. Now I won't enter into the debate over what they call "kol isha" the prohibition against listening to a woman's voice. (read this link for a DETAILED explanation) But the overriding thought that kept coming to my mind was Rabbi Hochberg, in 11th grade saying, "you can't be frummer than the Torah." I mean, here you have a guy, for crying out loud, and they are unwilling to play his music because someone might THINK it is a woman singing? Cut me a break. I have often argued for the rights of those to the right of me to be left alone to do what is best for them, but this time, even I can't defend it. In the meantime, enjoy listening to Eliyahu's music. I have to admit, he does sound like a woman, but he also sounds pretty good!

Is Facebook Good for the Jews?

2007-06-28T09:28:00.000-04:00

Well, I guess i could apologize for being away for a month, but it would just be lame. I just plain ran out of steam for a bit, but I am back. Especially after i see that my pal, and blogger par-excellence Treppenwitz linked me to his page. And by the way, Dave, if you are reading this, one of my board members is now a religious reader of yours, and passed along the post that included a reference to the Case Foundation. I now have board members telling me about your posts!!!

Anyhow, I wanted to know how many of you are on facebook? It is a kinda new phenomena. Not that facebook is new, it is just that everyone seems to be using it now. I have been "friended" by three new people this week, including one that I was sure I did not know. For the un-initiated, although I imagine that is not many of you, facebook was created to allow college students to interact and find each other online. As it became more popular, it spread to non-college students. Today, professionals, students of all stripes, and kids are using it. It is supposed to be limited to those over the age of 18, but in reality, no one checks the ages. My son's 12 - 14 year old friends all have a facebook page, and they spend all day (when they can) talking on it, updating it, putting photos on it. On the one hand, it is very scary. On the other hand, it is great. I have been aware for many years of the potential danger of the internet. People expose themselves in ways unknown to us just a mere ten years ago. Horror stories are legion, and more than one death has resulted from chance internet meetings that went bad. On the other hand, it allows us also to connect in a way unknown before. And in these scary, wondrous times in which we live, that can be a great thing.

Facebook allows people to join common interest groups. I have to admit, I am not a facebook pro, so i have not joined any, but i have looked around at them. This morning, i noticed that one of my young "friends" joined a group called Kehana Tzadak, which is really the ramblings of adolescents on the thoughts of Rabbi Meir Kahane an activist Rabbi who was assassinated in 1990 for his radical thoughts that have become more in vogue as the Arab - Israeli conflict has continued. Like him or hate him, the fact that there is a forum for kids to talk about these ideas online is a good thing. We have a generation of kids who will not know what a record is, or an eight track, or a beta vcr. But they will know how to use a computer, and will be able to access people and information all over the world. That is a great thing. The hope is that they will come to use it responsibly.

Holidays by the sea

2007-05-25T10:45:00.000-04:00

I went away for Shavuot. What a fascinating experience. Our family was invited by friends from the DC area to Bethany Beach, Delaware. Apparently, this is a tradition amongst people from the DC/Silver Spring area that has been around for over 20 years. Who knew? Obviously, wanting to be sure that I would be able to observe the holiday on which we celebrate receiving the Torah, I wanted to know "will there be a minyan? Will there be a Torah? The reply from our friend was "not only is there a minyan, but there is a break - away as well. For the un-initiated, in many communities, for political and/or religious reasons, synagogues find it necessary to break away from their founding institutions. Hence, the term "break - away." This phenomena is usually much more prevalent among orthodox congregations, but in recent years, the trend seems to have spread. In my community, I am aware of at least one conservative and one reform congregation that have had this happen. In any event, Bethany's break away is not exactly that. It seems that there is a small congregation in the town, but far away from the beach resorts that people go to for the holiday. In order to ensure that people had a place to go, apparently the Chabad of Wilmington rents out space in a nearby hotel, and people who come for the holiday self -organize the services and the very elaborate kiddush that follows it. It is an amazing thing. 200 people show up at a resort community for the holiday. No Rabbi. No Gabbai. (officially, anyway) But it all happens. There is a large minyan. A fairly large group of people stayed up all night on the first night of Shavuot to learn, as is the custom. The people who come to this shore community are a modern orthodox group, but very laid back by normative standards. No suits or ties. The men wore sandals, no socks.

One of the thing that I thought was amazing, was that the the megillah of Ruth, traditionally read in synagogues on Shavuot, has been read the last few years by different women in the congregation. A beautiful custom that I have never had the opportunity to have because of my participation in traditional orthodox services. I was really looking forward to it. Unfortunately, the women who have done it in the past did not come this year, and yours truly was "forced" to read Ruth for everyone there.

I guess I will have to go back next year.

A little bit of holiness... even on a rainy weekend

2007-05-19T21:19:00.000-04:00

David, from life on the far side, (see link on the right) talked about spending Shabbat in Saratoga Springs. For him, it was a different kind of Shabbat. One where he did not get to do all the things he usually does. It was a Shabbat that was somewhat devoid of the spirituality he has come to expect. I can relate, but my experience was the exact opposite. This Shabbat, our synagogue sponsored Rav Avi Weiss, one of the most inspiring, spiritual men I have had the privilege of meeting. For the most part, I am a cynic. I have struggled to find the spirituality in religion for the last 20 years. I have had a measure of success in finding it. And it is because of Rav Avi, and others like him, that I have been able to capture some of these feelings. For those of you who don't know Rav Avi, (as he likes to be called) his touchy -feely ways can be off putting for the cynics among us.Until you watch him. Until you see him. Until you experience him. Until you get hugged by him. For you see, Rav Avi is a Shlomo Carlebach emulator. What I mean is that like Reb Shlomo, Rav Avi wears his heart on his sleeve. But he wears it sincerely. Every time I see him, I am greeted by a wide smile, and a hug. And it feels good. I used to wonder, "is it real?" I know Rav Avi for more than 30 years. It is real. It has withstood the test of time. Rav Avi took the "bayit" which began as just that... a small house in Riverdale, NY, and transformed it to a synagogue with 850 families. Innovative, modern, pushing the limits of modern orthodoxy, Rav Avi has created a community that strives to find the Holy. He has created an environment that teaches love, respect, and learning above all. He has created a Yeshiva as well, Yeshivat Chovevei Torah the open modern Orthodox Yeshiva, that tries to create Rabbis like Rav Avi, who are passionate and care about Judaism and our people.

Most people came this Shabbat to hear Rav Avi speak. I got so much more out of watching him. When few others were. Rav Avi led the Kabbalat Shabbat last night. Before he started, very quietly, he walked over to one of the adolescent boys in shul, who is developmentally delayed. He rubbed his cheek and spent a few moments talking to him. While he was leading the prayers and he broke into song, he invited the boy to join him at the pulpit, where he remained, standing next to Rav Avi, singing and ultimately dancing in the Shabbat. What a beautiful sight that he cared to involved this boy, who is usually ignored by those around him.

And this morning, when no one was looking, he walked over to the one homeless man who is a regular in our synagogue. I heard Rav Avi ask him, "did you eat something?" Then Rav Avi said to him, reb "ya'akov, what is going to be with you?" He really cared and wanted to know. These were the things that were done when no one was watching. These were the things that were done when no one was listening. And these are the things that are done that bring holiness to our congregation, to our community, to our world. Even when it is raining outside. And when it does enter, the rain outside is unseen due to the light shining in the Synagogue.

Poof, you are not Jewish anymore

2007-05-17T10:13:00.001-04:00

A judge in an Israeli court ruled yesterday that a woman who had converted 15 years ago was not Jewish due to her lack of observance of Jewish law and custom. In an article by Rivka Lubitch, who is head of the Haifa office of The Center for Women's Justice, wrote that not only was the woman declared not Jewish, but her marriage was considered invalid, the couple did not need a get, and get this......... THE CHILDREN ARE NOT JEWISH!!!!!!! (link here)

C'mon, give me a break!!! This means that every person who converts who does not observe Judaism to the level that the particular court they are in determines is appropriate, will no longer be considered Jews, be able to get married in an orthodox ceremony, or be buried in a Jewish cemetary. This would apply to their kids as well. I wonder if the court has considered how many thousands of Jews they turned into non-Jews yesterday?

Yom Yerushalayim and Violence in Israel

2007-05-16T12:30:00.000-04:00

Today we celebrate Yom Yersushalayim, the 40th anniversary of the reunification of Jerusalem in the six day war. It should be a joyous day, Here is a picture from the Jerusalem Post showing this morning's celebration:

This celebration comes on the heels of the launching of 30 Kassam Rockets into S'derot and other towns in the last 36 hours. I have not often discussed any political ideologies here, but today, I feel both elated and sad. It won't be hard to figure out where my political stance is, but I hope to share mostly facts. 18 people were wounded in these latest attacks, with one woman from S'derot being injured moderately. I wrote once before in one of my earliest posts (here) about how hard it is to feel the pain of those who are lost in Iraq, despite the fact that we have over 3300 Americans who have been killed. For a real close up, difficult to read article, read about Darrel Ray Griffin, Jr. in the current issue of US News and World Report. It is an article written by an infantry commander who was shot and killed by a sniper in Baghdad about two weeks after he was interviewed by the reporter. There are emails to his wife talking about life as a soldier in Iraq. And why do I bring this up? Because as we celebrate the wonders of having a united Jerusalem, the ynet and others reported that the Israeli Air Force has retaliated against Hamas killing 4 terrorists and injuring 20 more. I say it is about time. How long should we suffer this degrading, erosive kassam barrage and violence. I think it has gone on long enough.

On this, the 40th anniversary of a United Jerusalem,I hope and pray that the IDF and the IAF will not have to continue their defense of our Holy Land, since it will have become unnecessary.

I was right..... Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah - JOFA and The Milgraum story

2007-05-15T18:02:00.000-04:00

Got another email from JOFA today. Turns out I was right about Michael Milgraum and the plight of his sister - in- law Sima Milgraum.When I got the first email from them telling us to boycott Michael Milgraum, I was upset at what I thought seemed a pre-mature, unexplained boycott of Mr. Milgraum, and I said so. Below is the email I received today. I think it speaks for itself.

Update on Sima Milgraum

JOFA was recently in contact with Michael Milgraum, the brother-in-law of agunah Sima Milgraum. He shared with us his efforts to help his sister-in-law receive her Get and his desire to see this issue resolved. He has assured us that he will continue to make every attempt possible to facilitate a solution to this matter.

At this point, we are no longer calling for our members to contact either Dr. Milgraum or the newspaper "What, Where, When." We believe such communication will detract from potential progress in this case.

JOFA
520 8th Avenue, Fourth Floor, New York, NY 10018www.jofa.org ● 888-550-JOFA
Forward email

The threat is over - Except to the state of Israel

2007-05-15T12:27:00.000-04:00

I find blogging interesting. People come by for all sorts of reasons, but unless you write about sex, few people others than those who are regulars, or those who stumble upon you accidentally, read what you have written. I guess, to paraphrase what someone said recently in a different context, blogging is very self - indulgent. It is about you. Some may find that interesting. Most, I imagine, don't really care. There are, however, some exceptions.

Some of you have seen the JIB Awards voting that is going on right now. It give you an opportunity to see some of the really good blogs out there. One of my favorites is Treppenwitz, my old friend Dave, who is in the running for a few awards. Log into the JIB website and vote for Dave's site by going to "best all around finalists" (here) and clicking on the link for large blogs, and find and vote for Treppenwitz. There are other categories that Dave is running in so look around and enjoy. You will also see links to others in the Jblogoshpehere who are great. Dave has had some great posts. One of my favorites was the one he wrote a while back called the rental cello. Go read it, it is very heartwarming. That post is about what makes what I am going to point out so awful. It seems that there are organizations, most notably Hillel that are "having a problem" displaying the Israeli flag. (See article here ) I don't know what your take is, but I think it is awful that we have to have open discussions at flying the Israeli flag at our college and universities because of what it represents? The article leads off with how Brown University students gave the new Hillel director a hard time when she wanted to know why there was no Israeli flag in the building. I am very supportive of Hillel. I am now having second thoughts. The fact that this has become something open to debate, boggles my mind.

The threat comes true - part two

2007-05-10T12:26:00.000-04:00

There are several transformative experiences that I have had that have not only impacted my spiritual development, but have changed the way I view and live Judaism. After a fairly long career in civil service in metropolitan Philadelphia, I took a job at a Jewish agency in a relatively nearby shore community. My boss hired me because, as an "orthodox" Jew, I could provide the "Jewish face" or point of view to the community and the agency. Of course, as a yarmulke wearing Jew, you are always open to those who either feel threatened or embarrassed, and my boss, whom I adore, was no exception. We would walk daily on the boardwalk, which we were fortunate to have only two blocks from the office. Often, these talks would take on a question and answer session about religion. My boss, being a secular cynic, would always playfully (sort of) accuse me of inflexibility and being locked into archaic ways of doing things. I would of course respond defensively, explaining that without observant Jews, there would be no real Judaism, and other "party line" responses that I learned over the years. Internally, I would question myself, and did not have any real good answers. One of the most interesting dialogues I had with my boss was to come several years later, and i will discuss that in a later post.

One of the duties of my job at that time was to speak at synagogues to promote the agency. My first such engagement was at the local Reform Temple. Since it was early on in my enlightenment, if you will, I had some pretty strong feelings about the matter. I went about preparing a d'var torah, and said to myself, "it will be the only Torah that this congregation will learn, so I better do something good for them." It was the dead of winter, so I figured that no one would be there anyway, so who really cared. It was a 2 and a half mile walk from where i was staying to the Temple, so I started out in the freezing cold, and cursed my job. About 45 mins - hour later i arrived at the Temple. There were people bustling around, wearing talitot, and wishing everyone a "shabbat shalom." I could not believe it. People in shul on a Friday night, and they actually wanted to be there. They looked happy. Not like in my shul on Friday night where everyone looks bored and tired, and wants to get home as soon as possible. Granted, this was a late service, and they had all eaten already, whereas in my shul we pray before dinner.

They invited me up to the Bimah to occupy a chair of honor, and the Rabbi got up to deliver his remarks. To my shock and dismay, he gave MY D"VAR TORAH, which of course set up the whole rest of my speech for the night. I had no idea what I was going to do. In the end, I spoke pretty well, was well received, and roundly applauded by the congregation. I could have lived without the organ and the selling of Shop - Rite scrip for the ladies auxiliary after services, but in the end, i walked away and said to myself...... You have 75 people who came to service on a Friday night because they WANTED to, not because they had to. They were enjoying themselves, and finding spiritual meaning in what they were doing. How can this be bad????

CONTINUED...........

The threat comes true - part one

2007-05-09T16:05:00.000-04:00

Once upon a time, ok, maybe more than once, I threatened to write a bit about the things that influenced my thoughts about Judaism. A post today by DJ Singer (life on the far side... link here and on the side) got me thinking that maybe it was time to do just that. On his blog, he talks about the people that pass his way (in the blogosphere) and who they were and did he know them. I don't know him, but got to thinking that his blog has influenced some of my recent thinking about yiddishkeit (positively) and I got to thinking about others who have influenced me. (or not) The other day, I posted a link to an interview of Marc Shapiro. If you did not read that interview, you should do it. It really defines, in my way of thinking, someone whose ideas are right on the mark. In the article, Professor Shapiro explains that in "modern Orthodoxy" many of the things that were once done in our communities are no longer acceptable, and he laments these changes within contemporary Orthodox Judaism. This is why I enjoy reading Singer's blog. You see, it is written by a reform rabbinical student, someone with whom once upon a time, I would have had nothing to do. Having been raised in an orthodox home, with a small orthodox group of acquaintances, I lived a pretty sheltered life. Not only was it sheltered, but I felt it was the only lifestyle in Judaism that had meaning. True meaning. Imagine my surprise when I began working in the Jewish Communal field and found that there were other forms of Judaism that worked for many people and maybe even had some legitimacy. Imagine my greater surprise when I learned that these people, conservative, reform, reconstructionist actually KNEW SOMETHING. Now please don't misunderstand me. I mean no disrespect, nor is this how I feel today. I am merely trying to explain my spiritual travels. They began in a place of judgement. A place that says there is only one right way, and it is my way. And as many of you know, that thought process continues today for many people. It is, what I call, the Frummometer. Anyone to the right is a fanatic, anyone to the left, is a heretic. Frum is a yiddish term that means observant of the mitzvot. Of course in my world, my level of Frumkeit was always right. Today, I realize that the Singers and Shapiros of the world might actually have it right, at least for themselves and for those who share similar thoughts. I have evolved a position in life that Judaism has many legitimate "faces" (from the expression shiv'im panim l'torah - the Torah has seventy faces - meaning there are numerous way to look at it) and while I practice, observe, or believe in one way, it does not mean that other ways have no merit. They are just not for me, but they deserve respect.

continued..........

Sfirah smile.

2007-05-09T08:20:00.000-04:00

I admit it. Even, my friend Dovid yelled at me. I got lazy. Truth is, that I have been very busy, and have not been "inspired" the last few days, so I have not posted. In the interest of new content, I am posting a fun picture. It is my intention to get back here later and put up a quality post. By the way, we submitted some of the photos from my trip to the Fairchild to their photo contest. Wish me luck!!!!

In the meantime, here is a little picture from a friend that should make you smile.

Things once taken for granted, are now unnaceptable

2007-05-04T13:56:00.000-04:00

The title of a great article in the Jewish Press that will make for good Shabbat discussion, by Prefessor Marc Shapiro.

Photo Friday

2007-05-04T08:58:00.000-04:00

With apology to my friend Dave Bogner, (treppenwitz) who inspired me to start writing this blog, I have stolen, at least for today, his Photo Friday feature (that I have missed) that he stopped doing for some reason. (Why'd jadoit, Dave?) Read his recent post on the incident with his son and his bike. It was terrific!! So here, as promised, are some, what I think are amazing pictures from the Dale Chihuly exhibit at the Fairchild Botanical Tropical Gardens in Miami, and one or two others.

This is one of the Main buildings with a signature Chihuli piece that is breathtaking:

This is a shot of one of the many beautiful tropical plants growing on the grounds.

Note how the pieces blend in to the background!

And finally, the woodpeckers on the trees in the tropical gardens are way bigger than those up North!!!

And Lastly, this was the most amazing sand castle I have ever seen. It was on the Beach in Miami Beach at 39th street.

The Fairchild Botanical gardens is in the Coral Gables section of Miami, and worth the trip. The cost is high, but make sure you ask for the AAA discount! You save a whole dollar!

The Agunah Issue....continued

2007-05-03T14:33:00.000-04:00

It was my intention today to post some amazing pictures from my little trip to Miami. I went to the Fairchild Tropical Botanical Gardens, an ethereal place with plants and flowers that make you remember vividly that there is a G-d. I will leave that for tomorrow.

Today, I want to turn for the final time, I hope, to the post I wrote a few days ago about the Agunah issue, specifically as it related to Sima Milgraum, and Sandy Milgraum. I posted an email that I received from a relative stating numerous things, that are apparently causing the family on both sides continued aggravation, anger, and alleged continued hurt. Without judgement, and being new to the blogging game, I have decided to remove the email portion of that post. I do it out of a sense of fairness to the writer, that it might not have been her intention to publicly say the things she did in the email. I also do it in respect to the son of one of the couple, who asked me to remove it since it was hurting him. He also asked that I apologize. That I won't do. It was my intention to look at the actions of JOFA, who, without telling me why, in an email I was sent, instructed me, (and by extension everyone who received that blast email) to boycott a RELATIVE of the alleged recalcitrant husband. At best, it was an unfair request without enough information, and at worst, it was an awful misuse of the trust that I place in JOFA.

So I will remove the email, but leave the rest of the post, which will be incomplete and jumbled. I want to make some statements/observations about the Agunah issue that have NOTHING TO DO with the case above. I have said before, and I repeat, the agunah issue is an ugly business. Men should not have the right to withhold a get. My wife and I argue about this, but in the end, I have to agree with her in most cases. When we married, we used the RCA's prenuptial agreement which forces the husband to give a woman a get in circumstances where the marriage breaks down. It is something that I believe every woman who gets married should have. I have to admit, I had my own issues to signing it, and even made some handwritten changes, but once you realize that the playing field is not level without it, you have no real smart option but to use it. I believe if every woman insisted on its use, we'd have far fewer agunot. My wife feels that in EVERY case, the man should deliver a get to the woman in a reasonable amount of time. I guess I can imagine legitimate reasons for not doing that, but many might disagree, including my wife, so I won't bother to put them forward.

This issue is one that has to remain at the front of our consciousness since it is something that has to be changed, or that we need to find an halachically acceptable way of dealing with.

Beauty and Godliness

2007-04-30T11:47:00.000-04:00

In my wanderings in Miami, i came across the following shop. Obviously, the two (mentioned in the title) are more intertwined that I could have ever imagined. The special, which is first on the sign, was only $20. It looks like a good deal!

Agunot and Broken Promises

2007-04-29T17:09:00.000-04:00

Since I am traveling, it might be hard to write, but I am going to try. I know in an earlier post I promised i would not keep on ranting about the Agunah issue. I lied. Sort of. I received a response from "anonymous" who identified themself as a family member. Their email to me was critical in nature, saying that writing about this merely added "fuel to the fire and made things worse". The utter irony is that what i actually did in my post was to defend Michael Milgraum, someone I do not know who is the brother of the alleged recalcitrant husband. I also took the opportunity to criticize JOFA, (an organization that i like very much) for putting out information suggesting that the Jewish community boycott Michael Milgraum. I said then, and i reiterate, that there was something about that that felt wrong, and i wrote about it in the earlier post. I decided to include the email that i received it in its entirety with the following proviso: The Agunah issue is an ugly issue. I don't know the specifics of the Milgraum case. I do know that there are usually two sides to most stories, sometimes, only one side is true. In this case, I don't know which side is the true one. Here is the email that i received:

Note: At the request of family members, I have deleted the email referenced herein. It is out of the concern for their feelings that I have done this, and feel very strongly that the issues raised both above, and in the more recent post of 5/3/07 need to be addressed.

Baltimore's Response to Allegations of Sex Abuse

2007-04-26T14:24:00.000-04:00

With all due respect to my friends from the Baltimore Community, i think I am going to be sick.

The Jewish Daily Forward ran an article today on the ongoing debate over the handling of the publishing of the allegations of sex abuse by a former principal of the Baltimore Talmudical Academy, who is now deceased. I wrote about this a few days ago, and expressed my disappointment in the Torah sage, Rabbi Moshe Heinemann, for telling his constituents to boycott the Baltimore Jewish Times, ostensibly because of the article they published about Rabbi Shapiro. The article in today's Daily Forward clears up the fact that some in the Orthodox community have wanted the paper banned for a while, for publishing interfaith wedding announcements, advertising non-Kosher food, and showing pictures of women whose dress fails to meet orthodox standards. While I don't agree, at least those reasons I can accept. Banning the paper for publishing stories about alleged molesters is not an acceptable reason. In any event, here is what made me sick. In the article, the following quote appears: "We were outraged by the way they dealt with the molestation case,” said Rabbi Abba Cohen, a prominent rabbi living in Baltimore who heads up the Washington office of the ultra-Orthodox Agudath Israel of America. “The person who is accused is dead,” Cohen added. “We need to ask what good does publishing his name do and what harm does it cause his family.” OMYGOD!!!! Hello? What good does it do? How about helping dozens of victims heal? Don't we learn anything? A few days ago I made reference to Baruch Lanner, a convicted orthodox Rabbi sex offender and the damage he did to so many. How can we (yes, i mean "we" for I am part of this community) allow this to continue? As someone who witnessed the damage done by these perpetrators, (I worked with children who had been abused for many years) burying the information with the perpetrators merely pepetuates the abuse. All those, and there appear to be many, who suffered silently, can now begin to, or if they are lucky, finish the need to heal brought on by these events.

Many in the Orthodox community of Baltimore have done an amazing job in helping the community deal with this. Rabbi Dovid Gottlieb, of congregation Shomrei Emunah, devoted a recent sermon to the need to speak out against sexual abuse. For many, this is an unprecendented step. We need it. Because of people like Abba Cohen (above) who made this thoughtful, caring comment: What are they going to do next? Have a molester of the week feature?” G-d help us.

Moron (that's "more on") Rabbis, Agunot, and the faulty system

2007-04-25T13:33:00.000-04:00

I promise that I am not going to keep ranting about the Aguna issue, or the rampant abuse of the Rabbinical Courts, but I want to follow up on some earlier posts.I will then "give it a rest" for a while. It is also something I feel strongly about, and believe the inequity of the system requires us to do something about it. This inequity is steeped in Jewish law, that on its face, is the one issue that I have always has serious problems understanding in our religion. It puts the entire power for divorce only in the hands of the husband. It is he who decides IF he will grant a divorce, and until he does, there is nothing that the wife can do. She cannot date, she cannot remarry. She is "chained" which is the definition of Aguna. However, sometimes, what we do about this inequity can in and of itself be awful. I will get to that in a few minutes, when I take issue with an email I received today from an organization of which I think very highly. But first, a short lesson and story. The Talmud dictates that under certain circumstances, if a Jewish Court orders the dissolution of a marriage, and the husband refuses to comply, the use of coercion is acceptable. There was a story I was once told about a man brought forcibly before the Rabbinical court demanding that he give his wife a Get (Jewish divorce). He refused. Finally, the Chief Rabbi of the court looked him straight in the eye and said, "in Judaism, there are two ways that a man can divorce his wife.... voluntarily, or if he dies. Which would you prefer?" I am told it is a true story. So we see that our tradition has a long history of trying to help these chained women free themselves where it is appropriate. And to use drastic means. So it comes as no surprise that I received an email letter from JOFA today asking to support a woman by the name of Sima Milgraum, who has been an Aguna for ten years. I don't know Sima's story, but I am sure she is worthy of my, and your support. No woman, for any reason, should be allowed to be an aguna for ten years. However, and here is where I have the problem, they recommend that the public stop using the services of the recalcitrant husband's brother. This brother, Michael Milgraum is a divorce mediator, and recently wrote an article titled Divorce: Individual and Communal Responses to a Difficult Problem. It occurs to me that Michael Milgraum may not have a relationship with his brother. Maybe he hates him. Maybe this is his way of trying to get the community mobilized to prevent what his brother did. Maybe he is an idiot and deserves the condemnation and boycott. But I don't know that, and JOFA didn't tell me that. I would never want to damage the fine work of JOFA. In addition to their work on behalf of Agunot, their education of the community on Women's issues is terrific. I think if they have more information that would convince me that this is an appropriate way to "get to" Sandy Milgraum, they should tell us. If not, they should refrain from harming someone to get to someone else. If you have any additional information, email me, or leave a comment, and i will correct it.

People Do the Dumbest Things..... April 24th edition

2007-04-24T08:25:00.000-04:00

There was a short article in my hometown newspaper today about Jasrahel King, a 29 year old, who last month stole a jeep from a lot in Norwalk, Ct. It seems that after test driving a few cars on a lot, Mr. King, and the Jeep, whose keys were left in the ignition, disappeared. Imagine the surprise of the manager of the lot when Mr. King returned with the Jeep on Saturday afternoon, looking to trade it in for a larger car. "I was left speechless" said the manager of the lot, who remembered King from the previous month. I guess so!
Mr. King was arrested.

Reform Movement Responsible for Holocaust

2007-04-20T13:25:00.000-04:00

JTA published this news item about Rabbi Mordechai Eliyahu's comments on the radio in Israel that the Reform movement is responsible for the Holocaust. A wonderful way to commemorate Yom Hashoa. I wonder how many reform children and babies died because of the sins of the reform movement. Prime Minister Olmert blasted the comments and the media implied that it is precisely this type of behavior that leads the chiloni (secular) Jews to hate the Orthodox in Israel.

Rabbinic Sexual Abuse of Children

2007-04-20T08:32:00.000-04:00

My former brother in law lives in the Baltimore area. Over the last week or so, he has been keeping me in the loop regarding the story that broke last week of the alleged abuse of hundreds of children by Rabbi Ephraim Shapiro, the former principal of the Talmudical Academy. A few days ago, Rabbi Moshe Heinemann, one of the great Torah sages of our day issued an edict calling for the boycott of the Baltimore Jewish Times, who originally broke the story. (below, left) Now I am not the first or only one to write about this, (link here and here) but yesterday, I wrote about the abuse of adults by Rabbis. Today, it is the abuse of kids by rabbis. As a human service professional who spent over a dozen years working with children who were abused, I am appalled by the continuation of "keeping the secret." Didn't we learn our lesson with the Boruch Lanner affair? I can't begin to tell you how many of these cases one finds EVERY SINGLE DAY that go unreported or covered up. To ban a newspaper because they report the truth for fear of lashon hora or some such nonsense is a crime that the rabbis will have to account for in the world to come. What in the world happened to protecting our children? How about the collusion among the institutions that shuffle one abuser to another location only to allow them to abuse again? I once attended a lecture as part of a conference of the Association of Orthodox Jewish Scientists where they talked about sexual abuse of children in the orthodox community. Wanna be scared? Listen to some of those lectures. Frightening doesn't begin to describe it. Like the case of the chassidic child molester who was brought before the Rebbe. His "sentence" was to be "transferred" to the upstate (NY) community where the sect has a presence. His new job? School bus driver. Come on, you have got to be kidding me. One of the best ideas to come along in years is JSAFE, started by a friend of mine, Rabbi Mark Dratch. It is an organization that promotes "abuse free environments" for children. No big surprise, given its voluntary nature, the organizations are not turning out in droves to sign up. It would be great if we could all pressure every Jewish camp, school, synagogue and other organization to sign up with JSAFE to ensure that our children are in safe and protected environments. Then, the Rabbis would not be able to cover it up.

The (Downward) Roller Coaster of Rabbinic Abuse

2007-04-19T10:26:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was my birthday. On my way into the City (that would be New York, for the un-initiated) for a celebratory dinner at Abigael's , an awesome steak house, my wife received a call from her friend, whom I will call Malka to preserve some anonymity. Malka got divorced not too long ago, but in keeping with her desire to work within the framework of Halacha, agreed with her manipulating, lying ex-husband (no strong feelings here) to allow the beth din to have the power to decide all matters regarding her, her assets and the children. Ok, not the smartest move, I admit, but what has happened is unbelievable. I grew up "orthodox" and am still observant, I was taught, like many, to revere Rabbis, and to trust. We all know from the sensational cases over the last few years, and what is going on right now in the Baltimore community (good link here) I think that some of that infallibility thinking has gone by the wayside. Unfortunately, rabbinic abuse is something that just won't go away.
Our friend Malka is the prime example. She has repeatedly been subjected to totally unfair and Misogynistic rulings and opinions by the Rabbis she has entrusted to deal fairly with her. In the end, they get to do what they want, with absolutely no oversight or review, and she has virtually no recourse. Having signed a legal document empowering the beth din to act as a court, she has limited ability at this point to challenge their rulings. And the rulings, SURPRISE!!! are often in favor of the ex-husband despite their incredibly, painfully obvious bias, lack of judgement and understanding. And she can't do anything about it. It sucks. As a someone who works with people for a living, listening to the "rulings" that these men have made, using "psychology" as a basis, something of which they have little knowledge, makes me ill. Until the issues are resolved, I am sure unsatisfactorily, there is little that can be done to right the wrongs, or publicise the craziness. It will merely end up hurting Malka. They won't even allow her to bring a representative to their kangaroo court to help an obviously intimidated woman present her case fairly. Fortunately, she was able to find one Rabbi, who was able to assert himself and be present at many of the meetings. My understanding is that while he doesn't do much in the sessions, his presence and his knowledge of Halacha is enough to stop the rampant abuse.... sometimes.
I await the day when we can go public with this information. These rabbis have hurt Malka. Financially, emotionally, and impacted her children. I only hold off to help Malka. I wonder how many others there are like her.

Unprepared for the Beauty in Everyday Life

2007-04-15T19:13:00.000-04:00

I came across an interesting article by the title above by David M. Shribman, executive editor of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette. He raises some interesting points on both sides of the coin. Here is how the article starts:

IN THE annals of newspaper tricks and gimmicks this ranks amongst the best. Not, perhaps, as good as when James Gordon Bennett of the New York Herald sent Stanley to find Livingston. But a whole lot better than showing how hot it is outside in midsummer by frying an egg on a sidewalk. Earlier this year, the Washington Post asked Joshua Bell, one of the world's most renowned violinists, and a matinee idol besides, to stand at a subway stop, play his instrument, and see if anyone noticed.
Click here for the rest of the story.

Rainy Sundays

2007-04-15T18:55:00.000-04:00

While I was at synagogue yesterday, someone was telling me about a tour that a group of Jewish communal professionals was taking in Israel. The first day, they travelled up north. The guide pointed to a spot and said "You see that spot there? It is the burial place of Shmuel" Duly impressed, the group moved on. The following day, they toured the south. The guide again pointed and said "See that spot? It is the burial place of Shmuel" One of the members of the group said "How can that be? You showed us the burial place of Shmuel yesterday!" Silly!, exclaimed the guide. Yesterday I showed you the burial place of Shmuel Aleph. Today, you saw the burial place of Shmuel Bet.

Its my blog and I'll write if I want to.....

2007-04-13T18:46:00.000-04:00

My friend Duvid says I shouldn't write about nonsense that goes on in my life, like our move, or whether I have to time to write or not. I say Hooey! With that in mind, I have not had time to write a word in a week. It is amazing how much guilt I have about it. My site meter says people are visiting, but there is nothing new to read, so I am going to try to change that. The next few days are going to be rough since I will be at a conference during the day, but i wilt try to talk about it somewhat. I haven't written a post because of the move I have mentioned... But we did it!!! We finally moved. And what an experience it has been. Funny. You become an expert, but for what? I doubt I will be able to use what i learned in the move since we won't do that again. Hey. I know... I am going to become a move consultant.... yeah, that's it!

Some things ARE funny

2007-04-13T18:41:00.000-04:00

Ok, so now you get two for the price of one....... One of the blogs I try to read somewhat regularly is Life on the far side. (No link, because you will find it to the right in the link list) His last two posts are great for different reasons. He has a John Oliver parody that is a must see. Once you have checked that out, go look at his Pesach post, which you must print out and test yourself. It was the most comprehensive list I have seen, and it is really neat.

Disappearing American Jewry - Getting our Groove Back

2007-04-08T09:10:00.000-04:00

It is a somewhat borrowed title from a book by Scott Shay called "Getting our Groove Back - How to Energize American Jewry" and a combination of Alan Dershowitz' book of a similar title a few years back, which paints a chilling, but IMHO a realistic picture of the fate of American Jews. Shay writes that there are 10 critical "planks" facing American Jewry. One of them is the shrinking of the Jewish population. According to Shay, in 1980, there were 5.9 million Jews in the U.S. Today, that number is 5.2 million, with 2.6 million "committed." He goes on to say that if that trend continues, the American Jewish population will be halved by 2030. He maintains that American Jews contribute greatly to our people hood, and we must find a way to reverse not only this trend, but others as well. He contends that we need to find a way to have 50% of all children receive day school educations. And not only the type found in Orthodox institutions, but we need to also find a way to create sustainable, viable institutions for all Jewish children. And at a fraction of the cost. Day school tuitions today cost in the area of $15,000 - $25,000 depending on the location and type of institution. This puts it beyond the means of some, and the desire of others. If you have three children who attend day schools, you will pay at least $30,000, even after scholarships, if you qualify. That is a lot of money! Shay suggests finding a way to ensure that every child, every family, be given a way to afford a Jewish education.

Shay also points to the "existential crisis" of the Conservative movement. He states that they are losing members at the rate of 2,000/month, and have fallen from the largest of the three denominations to second place.

He suggests that they must re-invent themselves, which they have started to do, in my opinion, with the synaplex concept, and the admission of gay Rabbis, whatever your feelings on that might be. The end of the waffling is a good thing for the movement, even if it is not what some want.
Additionally, Shay suggests that we need to have more children. He says that even if we factor in the Ultra-orthodox, we are replacing ourselves at a rate of 1.2. In 50 years, that leads to a 50% reduction in the population.

Shay has a total of "10 planks", the others I will not go into here. Feel free to read his book. On this holiday of Freedom, he paints a scary picture of the future of our people, who, according to him, will not be here in force in 50 years if we don't do something to change the current trend.

The Fifth Question

2007-04-05T21:38:00.000-04:00

Leo Pores, in an article published in the New York Jewish Week writes one of the more moving pieces that I have read recently. Instead of giving a link, I include it here in its entirety, with thanks to both Leo and The Jewish Week:

The Fifth Question

Leo Pores - Special To The Jewish Week

“What,” cried Grandpa Samuel, “did you just ask?”I was 8 years old, and it was almost 80 years ago. It was the traditional seder. I had just recited the Four Questions to a round of applause. Terrified, I slumped in my seat.I had asked a Fifth Question: “Why are matzah squares instead of round matzah balls to be served for dinner?”Grandpa Samuel bristled and was turning red. Taking me by the hand, he marched me into the kitchen where Grandma Sarah stood in a defiant mood. She motioned to Grandpa to approach the stove. There, floating in a golden chicken soup, were two-inch matzah squares, about a half-inch thick.“You are not really going to serve this, are you?” asked Grandpa, menacingly.“You bet I am,” replied Grandma, her voice raising an octave.Cousin Marcia entered the kitchen. “What’s all the commotion?” she demanded. “We could hear you arguing in the living room.”Grandpa turned brusquely, grasped my hand and pulled me into the dining room. “I’ll explain it later,” he reluctantly said, his voice trailing over his shoulder.The seder proceeded somberly, and we finally read the page with the ominous warning: Partake of the Festive Meal.Conversation continued to be lively when the gefilte fish and horseradish were served. The usual accolades about the fish ensued. Then came the chicken soup with matzah squares floating majestically to and fro. There was a hush and complete silence.Grandpa could contain himself no longer. Contrary to his better judgment, he was compelled to answer the Fifth Question.“The matzah squares,” he began hesitatingly, “were made by accident.“When we moved here, Grandma and I joined the Orthodox synagogue,” he continued. “We made many friends. Every year I bought a ticket for the High Holy Days and had a reserved seat. Grandma sat upstairs with the women.“Because they were a sisterhood, the women decided to make a communal seder. They would prepare the meals in the shul’s kitchen. The rabbi agreed to conduct the seder. There was much anticipation, and I was eagerly looking forward to it.” Grandpa’s voice trembled with emotion.“What happened next?” asked Cousin Aaron.Grandpa continued somberly. “They served the soup” – and pandemonium broke loose. “What is the meaning of this? Square matzahs!” the men shouted. “Have you lost your minds?”“Please let me explain...” The rabbi’s wife. Rebbetzin Sylvia timidly began the explanation. “We were so busy chatting away that we left the batter in the refrigerator too long. It froze, and was hardly manageable. It would not form round, so we had a tray with two-inch squares and we formed them.”She recited this as if divulging a secret recipe.Arguments erupted among the men. One half said it would by OK – dayenu. The other half gathered their coats, their women, their children and left the shul.Saturday morning was a revelation. Half the congregation, the Squares, sat on the left. The other half, the Rounds, sat on the right.The rabbi was obviously dismayed. In spite of all his efforts, he could nor bridge the gap.So when, a few weeks later, the Rounds announced that they had bought a building and were starting their own shul, the rabbi was not surprised.“We were on the Square side – we became Reform Jews.”Grandpa stopped talking. There was a pause, a lengthy pause, while everyone pondered the dilemma.Grandma Sarah broke the silence.“All those that want matzah squares, raise your hand,” she said. “All those that want round matzah balls, nod your head.“You see,” she said in a spirit of compromise, “I also made round matzah balls for you traditionalists. Even though we differed on some rituals, we Squares make round matzah balls to remind us that we are one people.”“If that is the case,” I said to Grandpa, “What is the answer to the Fifth Question?” I spoke as a precocious 8-year-old.“The answer to the Fifth Question,” replied Grandpa, “is ... it is the matzah that is important, regardless of its shape. It is to remind us that we were slaves in Egypt and to never forget our fellow Jews. Israel stands as our guardian, so that whenever a Jew is threatened in the world, whether Round or Square, we can say ‘Never Again.’”I was so glad I asked the Fifth Question. Leo Pores lives in Brooklyn.

Not your grandfather's Malaga wine - Just in Time for Passover

2007-04-02T11:56:00.000-04:00

If you are like me then you have begun to appreciate the new Kosher wines. Today, there are hundreds of varieties from literally all over the world. I just picked up a new one from South Africa, though I have had South African wines before. When I was in Israel two years ago, i had the opportunity to be at a wine tasting that featured Dan Rogov, the pre-eminent wine connoisseur and he told us about the dozens of new kosher Israeli wines that were coming out, and how they were world class. And now we have proof! In the April edition of Wine Spectator magazine, they feature a review of 25 kosher wines. We have truly made it to world class status. It is great. So tonight, at the Seder, no malaga or heavy, sweet wines for me. We can all enjoy a nice Cabernet, or Merlot. It's enough to make an observant Jew intimidated. But in the infamous words of Dan Rogov at that taste testing a few years back, "the best wine, no matter how much it costs, is the wine you like to drink best!"

The Time of our Freedom?

2007-04-02T07:25:00.000-04:00

I know this is not an original thought, but it occurs to me that Pesach is anything but a time of Freedom for modern Jews. First there is the enslavement of the cleaning and preparation for the holiday. The spending of hundreds of dollars on new(meaning those items that you have in your cabinets but have been opened) or special food. If you are fortunate enough to be able to go away for the holiday, the spending of tens of thousands of dollars for the hotel in Miami or Aruba. For those who have gone away, at some point it becomes an expectation, and not a privilege, Hence, you become a slave to that experience. It is no longer something that you want to do, it becomes something you MUST do. Then there are all the other things: the cooking, the clothes shopping and all the other things that go along with it. At least since there are so many products for Pesach now it has become pretty easy to maintain the comforts of year-round while still observing Pesach.

But let's assume you can get through all this, and still feel that you are truly free. Not all of us are. Many are slaves to addictions. Slaves to all sorts of negativity in our lives. And worse yet, some of us are truly not free in the literal sense of the word. And all of the above things pale in comparison. We have several Israeli soldiers that many of us have forgotten about: Gilad Shalit, Udi Goldwasser, Eldad Regev, and the "other missing soldiers": Yehuda Katz, Tzvi Feldman, Zachary Baumel and Ron Arad, our brothers who were taken captive while fighting for the people and the security of the State of Israel. There are those who have suggested that we add some meaningful prayers/thoughts to our seder to remember thise missing soldiers. One is a Passover Prayer to add right after "Avadim Hayinu" Another is to add a "Kos Shvuyim", a cup of wine, right after Elijah's cup for the captured Israeli soldiers. I think they are both great ideas.

Tonight, let us lift up, or pour a cup of wine and recite the readings above (the link) in order to make sure that we do not forget our brothers who

are still in captivity.

Pizza auction after Pesach

2007-03-30T10:54:00.000-04:00

I just spotted this post from Life of Rubin about an auction for the first pizza after pesach from Pizza Time in Flatbush. The money goes to charity. I think it a great idea!

Quote for a Friday Afternoon

2007-03-30T10:39:00.000-04:00

As I clean for my move, I came across a quote I like that I wanted to share for the weekend:

"Anything is one of a million paths. Therefore, you must always keep in mind that a path is only a path; if you feel you should not follow it, you must not stay with it under any condition...... Look at every path closely and deliberately. Try it as many time as you think is necesssary...(then ask one question.) I will tell you what it is. Does this path have a heart? If it does, the path is good. If it doesn't, it is of no use.

Both paths lead nowhere; but one has a heart and one doesn't. One makes for a joyful journey; as long as you follow it, you are one with it. The other will make you curse your life. One makes you strong, one weakens you..... a path without a heart is never enjoyable. You have to work hard even to take it. On the other hand, a path with a heart is easy. It does not make you work at liking it.

Don Juan

Windows and other challenges of moving

2007-03-29T12:08:00.000-04:00

Previously, I have mentioned that we are moving our offices in a few weeks. With the deadline looming, and Passover around the corner, things have really begun to heat up. There are so many things that I have learned that I thought I would never need to know. Like what a core factor is. Some of you will know what I am talking about. Some of you will know it by another name. Basically, in our area, a core factor refers to that area in a commercial building that is shared such as the hallways, bathrooms, etc. But the most challenging part of the move is dealing with staff. As the chief executive in a social service organization, I deal with staff every day. They do the most wonderful and complex things day in, day out, usually without a lot of complaining. That was before the move. Now, it is "why do I have to share an office? Why is my office so small? Why is located on the north side? " and on, and on. I am usually a pretty relaxed person. Every day, my associate director will come in, close the door, and say..... so and so has this or that complaint. I have been reduced to shouting, "let them quit." I know, however, that in a few weeks, things will settle down and we will be very happy (i hope) in our new digs, which will be bright, shiny and brand new.
And this is what amazes me, and brought me to the world of social services many years ago. People. They are amazing. Complicated. Wonderful. CHALLENGING! I remember one of my first jobs in this field was for a large municipal agency in a big city. The supervisors got cubicles, the rest of us got desks in a large open room. You were "placed" to some extent by seniority in the room. When a window space opened, if you were there long enough, you got to move your desk. We used to pray for people to retire. We could work with the most difficult cases of child abuse without batting an eye lash, but not getting the window seat reduced us to children. And so it goes. Thankfully, my staff is better than that. Some days, it doesn't feel like it.
I know one thing. I will get the window seat!!!

Smoking Pot on Pesach

2007-03-28T12:24:00.000-04:00

What would we do without the JTA to inform us of the cutting edge news that comes to us from the Holy Land? (click here for story) In a nutshell, the Green Leaf Party has announced that since Marijuana contains seeds, it is not permitted to ashkenazic Jews over Passover for fear of its being Kitniyot, which is generally meant to be legumes, such as peas, beans, rice and lentils. The JTA consulted Rabbi Moshe Elefant from the Union of Orthodox Congregations of America who said that since the substance is illegal and would be as unhealthy as cigarettes and therefore not acceptable halachically, he had not even considered the question. However, he continued, if Marijuana was being used for legal medical purposes, it would be allowed on Passover, as are all medications.
Sounds kinda far -fetched to me.

Get on the Bus for Passover

2007-03-28T08:54:00.000-04:00

In both my local paper and the Yeshiva World News (photo at left) there was an article about the Passover Matzah Bus in Spring Valley, (Monsey, NY) a small community near here that has a very large population of Chassidishe residents. I love this idea. Essentially, the Rabbi in this story created a Matzah factory from an old school bus, and makes about 100 pounds of Matzah each year for his family and his small congregation. Town officials are not crazy about this because they are concerned about the safety of a blast oven in an enclosed school bus attached to a house in a residential area. Not an unwarranted concern. They have told the Rabbi he needs to change the way he is doing it. In typical Jewish joke fashion, they have decided to give him a few days to "see how it goes." Since today is Wednesday, and the baking will most likely be done by Sunday, sounds reasonable to me. Next year might be a problem. Of course, next year, as we say in the Haggadah, we'll all be in Jersusalem, so baking the matzot will be less of a problem.

Murder by the Sea - And what it means to Israeli Society

2007-03-27T08:59:00.000-04:00

Last night I had the opportunity to see a screening of "Blues by the Beach" a documentary by Jack Baxter and others. This powerful film is about the bombing at Mike's Place in Tel Aviv in 2003, where three people were killed, and scores were injured. Mikes Place calls itself "an island of sanity in a region torn apart by conflict." And that it is. A place where people from all over, and from all walks of life get together to listen to American music, talk English, and have a good time. One of the most fascinating things about the documentary is that they began filming a movie set around the bar, with absolutely no inkling of what was to come. They interviewed people that worked there, showed them having their breaks, their cigarettes, their beers. Having a good time. In the blink of an eye, totally unsuspecting, the world is turned upside down. What began as a human interest story, ended as a human tragedy story. And powerful it was. Three people died, but the one that the filmmaker seemed to focus on was Dominique Haas, (Photo at left.... from the Mike's Place website) a beautiful pastry chef from France, who had come to Israel not because she was a Zionist or a religious Jew. Just because she wanted to.
One of the most poignant and sad things about the film was the relationship between Pavla, who edited the film, and Joshua, who was the photographer for most of it. Joshua and Pavla were boyfriend/girlfriend, who seemed to be quite in love early in the film. The night of the bombing, they had different reactions. In the chaos of the situation, they reacted very differently. Pavla, feeling that Joshua was too emotional, and not "strong enough," needing the support of a "strong man" slept with a mutual friend that night seeking comfort and solace. Joshua just needed time alone, to deal with the loss and the hurt of that night. When Pavla told Joshua she had slept with another man she implied that Joshua was not strong enough for her that night, he wanted little to do with her. The movie showed their relationship after this episode, and Pavla's attempt to make up with Joshua, but it was not to be. Pavla returned to the Czech Republic, and their relationship ended.
This is, I believe one of the more tragic results of the terror in Israel. It also reminds me of what I wrote in an earlier post about how hard it is to feel for something when you are not directly involved. At least it is for me. I know there are those who can catapult themselves into other places, start to feel and cry, but for me, I have to be there. And that is what "blues by the beach" did for me. I was IN Mike's place. I met Dominique. She was real. And then she was gone. Just like that. So incredibly sad. It made me angry. The senselessness of it all. The killing of people who were out for the evening on the beach, having a beer, dancing. 29 years old. Gone.
Equally sad was the story of Pavla and Joshua. A young couple in love who were propelled into oblivion and destroyed because of this. Maybe Pavla didn't really love Joshua. Maybe these problems would have surfaced later in their relationship. Maybe not. What I am left wondering is after the thousands of innocents maimed and killed who were out eating pizza, drinking a beer, dancing...... How many Joshua and Pavla's are left in Israeli society? A human tragedy that continued beyond the dead, the injured, the re-building. It makes me angry.

The Return of the Emunotes

2007-03-27T08:45:00.000-04:00

Well, they have returned home triumphantly. A hearty Mazal Tov to Shlomo and Friends. We look forward to seeing you on the next trip, and look forward to seeing you on our next trip.

Brotherly (and family) Love

2007-03-23T11:56:00.000-04:00

I am off to Philadelphia for Shabbat. It is a strange experience for me. I grew up in Pennsylvania, and lived in Philly for 20 years. When I go back as a visitor/tourist, it is strange to look at the city I grew up in with visitor's eyes. It is also lots of fun. Last time I was there, i visited the National Constitution Center a relatively new (seven years old) museum in Philly. Sounds like a real bore, and truth be told, if you were raised in this country, it is to some extent. The opening exhibit/lecture is fantastic, however, and made the visit worthwhile. They do a multi-media presentation in the round, and the narrator is terrific. The rest of the museum focuses on stuff most of us grew up with.

This time, we will once again visit Congregation Mikveh Israel which is the second oldest synagogue in America. A Spanish-Portugese synagogue that has incorporated many of the pieces from the original synagogue, it was founded in 1740. To this day, not only do they retain the original style and cantorial "nusach", but they offer a communal dinner and lunch on Friday night and Saturday afternoon to anyone who comes in. (They do ask for a donation) The synagogue also houses the National Museum of American Jewish History which, while not open on Shabbat, is a great place to visit. Of course, no visit is complete with traveling a half block from the synagogue to see Philly's famed Cracked bell... The Liberty Bell. Again,this is weird for me because as a native Philadelphian, we used to drive past it all the time, and think, wow... look at the nutty tourists.... Now i are one. Of course, more fun is a trip to the Franklin Institute, which has an exhibit on King Tut. How appropriate before Pesach. Or the Philadelphia Zoo, the oldest zoo in the country.

But the real reason I am going to Philly is for a family Shabbat away. My wife has had a tradition of going away with family members, and reconecting and just spending time together. This year, as a new member of the family I get to come along. Should be (gulp) fun. I'll let you know when I get back.

The agony of "de feet" or Friday's Post on Thursday night

2007-03-22T21:07:00.000-04:00

I don't know if I will have a chance to post tomorrow since I will be away for shabbat, so I am posting a little early.
Tonight, my son's school had a father - son basketball game. Being the good dad that I am, I of course had to play. Now understand, I know basketball pretty well, and can coach, teach, instruct. Play? Well, that's a horse of a different color.
But I figure, what the heck, there will be plenty of dads. I can play a bit, and watch the rest. Unfortunately, god had other plans. Only three dads showed up. Worse yet, only one of us could really play. (no, it wasn't me) Now if you have not had the experience of playing sports that require great expenditure of energy against 13 and 14 year olds in a while, let me tell you, it aint easy. I watched a lot of the action from the other side of the court. Slow Down!!!! We kept shouting at the two kids we took to round out our team. Don't rush.... give us a chance to catch our breath. Of course, we did not get the all stars from the kids team, so of course they didn't really listen to us. So i huffed and puffed up and down the court , waiting impatiently and breathlessly for the end of each quarter. I remember looking around to see if they had one of those portable defibrillators. I don't think they did. Not good!!!!!!
At the end of four (verrrrrryyyyyy loooonnggg) quarters, the score was.....

Dads 55, Kids 50. YAY DADS!!!!! And yours truly had about 10 points. Not bad for an old man. However, here I sit, wondering whether or not I will be able to stand up tomorrow. I can already feel everything tightening up. I know one thing for sure.... Next year I am going to make SURE MORE DADS SHOW UP!!!!!

And speaking of insane....

2007-03-22T13:53:00.000-04:00

This just in from JTA:

Lebanon war formally named

Israel formally named last year's Lebanon war. The government's Ceremonies and Protocol Committee this week chose to call last summer's conflict with Hezbollah the "Second Lebanon War;" the first was in 1982. The new name is up for Cabinet ratification Sunday.

I don't know about you, but I am relieved. Now I know what to call it!

Some days we are just insane

2007-03-22T10:53:00.001-04:00

Over the next two weeks or so, we will be moving our offices. As we try to prepare, keeping a sense of humor is difficult. Here are a few thoughts to keep us sane for the next few weeks. It''s not new, but still funny! Feel free to pass along. Better yet, try one or two of them.........

20 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don t use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme.

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......Send
This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile. It's Called! Therapy!!!.......

Thanks DovBear, Boston Legal, and other tidbits

2007-03-21T11:54:00.000-04:00

Well, thanks to Dovbear, I had the highest traffic rate yesterday of any day since I started writing my blog. Thanks to all you who have visited. Come back and leave me comments.

I must confess. I am a Boston Legal addict. If you have never seen the show, it is definitely must see TV. In addition to seeing James T. Kirk (William Shatner in Star Trek) in a lawyer's role, James Spader, who I used to hate, I now love. Anyhoo, one of the more fascinating things about this show is that it often has a Jewish twist. The writers have recently focused on the relationship between Denny and Bethany. (the Jewish "little person") Bethany, who plays a Jewish Lawyer has had an on again/off again relationship with Denny. Most recently it is off, because Denny, who is the least politically correct person in the world tells Bethany that he cannot accept Israel's politics, and thinks that they are wrong. They never really go into what is actually wrong with Israel's politics, but when Denny discloses this to Bethany, she dumps him again. Later in the show, in a heartfelt talk between the two of them, Bethany says to Denny that Israel is a country whose survival is tied to its politics, and not accepting that, is the same as not accepting her as a Jew. She says that since Denny doesn't understand that, they cannot be together.

Denny later, in the traditional ending scene, sits on his veranda with Alan, sipping scotch and smoking a cigar and says, (I paraphrase) "Alan, do I have to accept Israel's politics?" Alan says no, but here is the clincher, he says something to the effect, that Denny does not have to accept it, but since he has never lived there and is not Jewish, it would be impossible to understand it.

Who's writing this show? I want to meet them. And thank them. It is refreshing to hear such unwavering support for Israel in a prime time network TV show. And one that I like, to boot!

And don't forget.... FREE ICED COFFEE AT DUNKIN TODAY!!!!!!!!!

What is Orthodox anyway?

2007-03-20T12:05:00.000-04:00

There are a few thoughts that have been making me go hmmmmmmmm........ (for those of you old enough to remember Arsenio Hall's late night show.) He used to do a bit where he would ask the audience "have you ever had things that made you scratch your head and go hmmmm...? "Like, how does the aspirin know to go to your head when you have a headache? Hmmmmm........ " Ok, a bit silly, but he made the point in a comedic way.

So too, I have those things that make me go hmmm..... Like, what is Modern Orthodoxy? Is it wearing pants and no head covering for women? No yarmulkes in the workplace for men, but yarmulkes at home? Eating dairy out at kosher restaurants? One of the things that fascinates me in the debate is the juxtaposition of Modern Orthodoxy and Lashon Hara.
A while back, I wrote two posts (click here for one of them) about Yeshivat Chovevei Torah, the "open orthodox" yeshiva in New York. They got a lot of hits, primarily because of the wide readership of Mark Einhorn's blog on what he terms "fringe orthodox Judaism." And fringe orthodox is, according to Mr. Einhorn, Chovevei Torah, and his particular target tends to be Rabbi Darrin Kleinberg, the Rabbi of the Kidma Synagogue in Phoenix, which is, unfortunately for Rabbi Kleinberg, where Mark Einhorn is based. Of course Rabbi Kleinberg gives him much to latch on to by taking some unusual and provocative positions. I guess many people share Mr. einhorn's views however, since many of the people who read my post were referred by his blog. I also happen to occasionally agree with Mr. Einhorn that sometimes, Rabbi Kleinberg and Chovevei go too far, but to imply that they are not orthodox is a bit over the top.
The whole notion of what constitutes orthodox in the first place is a question for me. I stopped using the term a long time ago. I believe that there are core principals that make one "orthodox." The observance of Mitzvot, Shabbat, Kashrut, and acceptance of the divinity of the Torah. However, when I was in college, i had friends who did all those things, but called themselves Conservative and Reform. I couldn't understand it. What do you mean you are reform? You keep Kosher, observe Shabbat and put on Tefillin. The response, " I just feel more comfortable with reform theology". OK, I accepted the answer. Didn't understand it, but accepted it. Later in my college career, I got a job teaching in a conservative Hebrew School. The educational director was a Reconstructionist Rabbi. Turns out that he kept Shabbat, kept Kosher, and his wife covered her hair. "Why are you Reconstructionist I asked?" I got the same answer as above..... And lastly, when college was over, and I got married and moved to my nice little religious neighborhood, many of my "modern orthodox" friends did not wear a kippah during the day and ate (dairy) in non-kosher restaurants. HELP!!!!!!
As I grew up, ( I was already an adult, but needed to grow up more) I learned that there are shiv'im panim l'torah, "70 faces to the Torah." That is to say that there are many ways to look at the Torah, and observe it. I came to a place in my thinking where I understood that everyone has to find their own way. It may not be a way that works for me, but it works for them.
In my career as a Jewish communal professional I have to deal with people from all over the Jewish spectrum. Some are tolerant of the fact that I keep Kosher and wear a kippah, some less so. I try to figure out a way for them to respect my decisions, and for me to respect theirs. Usually it works.

Chovevei is one of those Shiv'im Panim L'Torah. I believe it is an important one. It may be that Rabbi Kleinberg's ideas are not quite what "mainstream modern orthodoxy" might often espouse, but neither were those of the Ba'al Shem Tov. I liked what Rabbi Josh Yuter wrote in his post on the subject and explained that a) continuing the debate is not all that interesting, and b) there will always be those who disagree. The fact is that it makes more sense to try to influence those who wish to listen, or work, instead, on ourselves.
Hence, the beginning discussion on Lashon Hora. I am going to be more careful in the future. In the meantime, I will await the opening of the Hooters in Tel-Aviv with great interest. It will be very interesting to see what response THAT brings!

Random thoughts of spring

2007-03-20T09:50:00.000-04:00

In the spring, it is said, a young (if I can be politically incorrect) man's fancy turns to thoughts of love. Or hooters, anyway. That seems to be the most important news all over the blogosphere this morning is the proposed opening of a hooters in Tel Aviv. My friend Dave, mourns the death of Israeli culture with this milestone. There are others, who find this moment in time an inspiration, an ode to Theodore Herzl's notion of the fulfillment of the Zionist dream. Ok, I guess even I think that goes a bit too far.

Picture from Israelity.com

Nobody does it better....

2007-03-18T14:34:00.000-04:00

Israel does it so much better than we do.

Last night I had the privilege of hearing Esther Wachsman speak. Esther is the mother of Nachshon Wachsman, was a corporal in the IDF when he was kidnapped in 1994. He was executed during a failed rescue attempt. The story riveted the world and united Jews from all streams in outrage, contempt and sorrow. Esther, after sharing her personal tragedy with us, switched focus to her passion, the Shalva Children's Center, also named "Beith Nachshon", in honor of her murdered son. The Center works with mentally and physically challenged children. After Nachshon's death, Esther met a sponsor of the home, and he convinced her that they needed her help. He was willing to donate a great deal of money to give the Children's center a real home, instead of the small shack that they occupied. He was only willing to do it if they named the Center Beit Nachshon, which they agreed to do. And the reason that they wanted Esther to help is that in addition to leaving a legacy for Nachshon, she also had a son who had Downs syndrome, and used the Shalva Center. Since that time, Esther has traveled around the world talking about her two special sons... One that was killed, and one who is still alive, but needs special help.

She explained that the Shalva Center used to offer services a few hours a day to special needs children. With Esther's help, they were able to raise money to build a large facility, and offer expanded service. And this is where I feel that Israel has learned to do things better than us. Last week I wrote about the Emunotes, a group of children from the Emuna Afula children's center. In both cases, the Emunah children's center, and Shalva, they have developed a system where they pick the children up in the morning, provide myriad services to them, and return them home in the evening. What this does is alleviate the tremendous stress caused by these children to the families, or avoids subjecting the children to potentially difficult situations. It makes it possible in both cases to have the children remain at home, saving Israeli society tens, if not hundreds of thousands of dollars, and give these families the opportunity to remain intact.

In my more than a dozen years in child welfare systems in several states, we always reacted, as my supervisor used to say, in a myopic way. We never saw the big picture. We were too busy looking to fix, and not to keep things from happening. I love the way at least some of the places in Israel seem to understand that the best way to keep families intact, is by relieving the stress BEFORE it happens. I wish we would learn that here.

March Madness

2007-03-16T12:03:00.000-04:00

Fooled You!!! This has nothing to do with basketball. Instead, as a fun way to end the week, here is some information from my FBIL (former brother in law) about free spring things. And how appropriate, since we are in the middle of a good ol' nor'easter here today, expecting to bring anywhere from 3 - 12 or more inches of snow by tomorrow night. So keep warm, and enjoy!

1) On March 21st, the first day of spring, Dunkin' will "put winter on ice" with their first ever Free Iced Coffee Day. All day long, Dunkin' Donuts locations all over the US will be giving away free 16-ounce iced coffees. Their iced coffees are "double brewed" for smoothness and come in nine different flavors, in addition to regular coffee.

2) PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA - (March 10, 2003) - In what has become one of the most eagerly anticipated rites of spring, Rita's, the nation's largest Italian ice chain, will give a FREE regular ice to everyone who stops by one of its more than 260 locations on Thursday, March 20. To celebrate the arrival of spring at 8:52 p.m., Rita's expects to give away almost 500,000 free cups of ice. The big giveaway runs from noon to closing March 20. Stores are located throughout the east coast and as far west as Ohio.
3) Gearing up for spring, Baskin-Robbins and Rita's Ices are giving away free scoops of ice cream and Italian ices.Baskin-Robbins will offer free scoops during its fifth annual Free Scoop Night on Apr. 28. The ice cream chain expects to give away more than 200 scoops per second to three million customers nationwide.

And now, to leave you with a little selfish self - promotion, courtesy of my wife:

Show Me the Money......

2007-03-15T08:33:00.000-04:00

Well, after being very zealous about making sure that I was posting daily, I missed yesterday. The reason was that it was a crazy busy day. (At least that is the way my 13 year old would say it) Partly because I was preparing my presentation to our local Federation for our annual allocation. For the un-initiated, in Jewish communities around North America, there are Jewish Federations who fund programs in their local communities, as well as overseas. Every year, those agencies are required to come before a committee to explain why they deserve continued support (read = money) And we have come to depend and rely on it. The challenge for those committees is to decide which of the organizations deserves how much of a slice of the communal pie. And, of course, each of us feels that we deserve more, and the other guy deserves their share, but not at our expense.

But what happens when the money becomes the issue and the problems/needs are overlooked? I pose this question since it is a community wide discussion here. We live in a small-ish town close to New York. Many of the people who live here go to "the big City" for fun and food. There are those, however, that want to remain in their humble suburban neighborhood, and not have to go elsewhere for those things. Recently, a group of singles convened a meeting of the major organizations to say that they wanted us to help provide support for them to hold singles activities in the town in which they live. Not an unreasonable request. At the end of the day, they were being told, "there is no money for this, and if you want it, you have to do it yourself." Yes, many of these singles are financially comfortable, smart, educated and independent. However, most of them are also too busy to organize mailings and emails to try to coordinate activities. Now you might say that this is a wonderful opportunity for some entrepreneur to set up a business, but this has not happened. Nor do i think it will. But as a Jewish Communal Professional I have to ask, isn't this group of people important to us? We are always complaining about intermarriage, and decry the less than 50% affiliation of Jews living in our communities. So here we have an opportunity, and let's be honest, to provide a service to our community that wouldn't actually cost that much in the end. Think of how great it would be to bring these people into the community, give them a meaningful experience, and turn them into committed members of our community, who might even meet their bashert along the way.
In any event, I believe that we, as professionals and as a community have a responsibility to help everyone in our community, unless, and this is rare, we absolutely can't. There are always ways to empower people who want to be empowered to take charge, and this is where we fall down. I try never to say no unless i have to. What about you?

Too little too late!

2007-03-13T13:24:00.000-04:00

I have only been posting once a day, but this was too good to pass up! Germany is attempting to revoke Hitler's citizenship. That is the quintessential closing the barn door after the horse is gone!!! C lick here for the full story!!!

Immoral Behavior and the Military

2007-03-13T09:43:00.000-04:00

Both this morning's paper and aol (link here) carried the story on General Peter Pace, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff about his support of the Clinton-era "don't ask don't tell" policy on gays in the military. However, when asked, he said the reason he supports it is that that homosexual acts are "immoral" and "akin to a member of the military having an affair with the spouse of another service member." Interesting analogy. The General goes on to say that during his "upbringing" he was taught that certain types of conduct are immoral.......... and that, apparently, is that.

Not wanting to start a debate over homosexuality, i find it incredulous, that with the daily scandals pertaining to our military about inadequate care for veterans, and the shambles at Walter Reed, this is what our military leaders have chosen to pick as their raison d'etre. Of course, this all comes on the heels of the resignations of Francis Harvey, secretary of the Army and Lt. General Kevin Kiley, the Army's Surgeon General. I think it is time we picked leaders who were going to lead, not going to let us down. Leaders who will focus on the real issues, like caring for the brave men and women who were wounded and broken in wars.

It is especially ironic to me that this comment appeared in the news today, the day that we are launching the Military Assistance Program here in Conn, and at our agency. This program, mentioned in an earlier post, (the meaning of a misheberach) will attempt to help our vets returning from Iraq and Afghanistan re-adjust to life in the world post-war. And they need lots of help. If you have been following, while Walter Reed Hosp. does offer some of the finest inpatient care of any hospital in the world, (a story NOT carried when they speak of "the scandal") its outpatient care, like those all over the country was attrocious. We are now all trying to fix it. The military has field units on the front lines the provide emergency mental health services. The creation new, supportive programs to vets, will also go a long way to provide better, and more immediate care to those in need. In the meantime, I think we need to worry less about gays in the military, and more about those soldiers, gay or not, who need our help.

Dr. Laura and Good? Mental Health

2007-03-12T20:08:00.000-04:00

I had the opportunity to sit in my car in traffic today, and having XM satellite Radio i got to Listen to Dr. Laura on the radio. I am not sure who is dumber.... Dr. Laura or her listeners. I spent at least five years in school training to counsel people. Undergoing therapy can be a long, arduous process for some people, but can be highly successful. Dr. Laura has it down to a science. Complete and total cure in 45 seconds. If you don't like what she has to say, it's ok..... click!!! I wish I could do therapy that way. I don't know about you folks, but listening to her makes me angry. I wonder what happens to the poor people who wait forever to get through, only to be told, as she told one listener today, "don't have feelings.... that's what gets you into trouble." Don't have feelings? What the heck is that supposed to mean? And what happened to her Jewish renewal? At one point, I thought she had made a transformation to observant Judaism. All I ever hear her talk about now is her weekend(Friday night/Saturday) appearances. I guess the values that she holds so dear are only valuable for a short time. I don't know about you, but if I have problems, i am not going to Dr. Laura. Maybe Dr. Phil, but definitely not Dr. Laura!

The amazing Emunotes

2007-03-10T22:50:00.000-05:00

Well, today was the day. The Emunotes were here for Shabbat, and they were not only adorable, but were a lot of fun to be around. Early on in my career, i worked for many years with abused and neglected children. It is hard work, and watching these small, damaged children in agony day in and day out can be very draining. The children that sang here today are such children, but they live in Israel. Little Jewish children whose parents abuse, neglect or abandon them. Most Americans, when they think of Israel, think of Ben Yehuda, Dizengoff, or the Kotel. They don't think of the slums of Yaffo, or these litte kids from Afula, who stayed in host homes this weekend that they labeled "palaces" since the homes are so completely beyond their range of experiences. On the one hand, it felt so good to be with these kids and see their faces light up as we applauded their singing, or let them play in the backyard with a basketball. And on the other hand, it feels awful to know that in a few weeks, they will be back in Afula with parents who drink too much, leave them alone too much, and don't care about them enough. But for today, and the next week, these kids will be treated like royalty through out New England. I hope the memories that are created will last a lifetime. Some might not get a chance to visit us again.

Esther and the Emunotes

2007-03-09T11:56:00.000-05:00

I know, sounds like a rock band, right? But before I get to that, here is something REALLY neat that came from my friend Dovid: oddcast tts .

It is pretty cool, check it out and have fun.

Now, back to where I began. Thank you to those of you who prayed for a good attendance last night. Esther was superb, and we had a nice turnout. She is off to Israel today for a few weeks to speak about her book, mating in captivity, and to speak to groups about her experiences.

On an entirely different note, my family will be hosting the Emunotes, a group of children from the Emunah Children's Center, our (connectictut's) sister city. These are children in Israel who have been abused, neglected or have emotional problems, and live in the Sarah Herzog residential facility. 11 ten year old girls will be spending Shabbat in our little town, and singing at our synagogue tomorrow morning after services. Then they will be having lunch with us. I can't wait.... or maybe I can! What were we thinking??????????

Well, not a lot of time today. Have to go home soon and help get ready for the girls.

Hope you all have a peaceful Shabbat!

I'm Annoyed

2007-03-08T16:56:00.000-05:00

Well, a little annoyed, anyway. I am trying to keep up with my posting, but for some reason, even though I posted my "who'd a thunk it" post today, it showed up as yesterday. Therefore, I am posting again, to keep up with my attempted record of not missing any weekdays. Weekends might be a different story.

The first leg of the Esther Perel lecture is over, and annie was right, she is AMAZING! I heard Esther speak about 10 years ago, and she is better than ever. She just wrote a terrific book called "Mating in Captivity: Recognizing the Erotic and the Domestic." (http://estherperel.com/synopsis.html) It has been published all over the world, and in many different languages. If you are a therapist, you must read the book, and try to find out where she is speaking! I will let you all know how the third presentation open to the public goes later.

Pray for a large turn out for me!

Who'd a thunk it?

2007-03-07T21:24:00.000-05:00

That my little blog would be discovered one day. And so soon! And used against me!!! Here I naively thought I would spew a few random thoughts from time to time for my own amusement, have a few select friends and relatives see it, and relax. Of course I had secretly hoped that someone might come along for the blogoshphere ride,but as a true novice here, it seems as though I have become fuel for the fodder of at least blogger out there. (http://www.openorthodoxy.blogspot.com/)
How flattered was I when I saw that someone clear (almost) across the country chose to use my little humble post as his lead article for the day.
And I was going to write a long post in response, perhaps utilizing some more "left wing rhetoric" but decided against it. I am not writing here to engage in battle with someone who holds a different point of view. In fact, if anyone has been reading what I have been writing, it is the diametric opposite of that position. The few posts I have tried to write so far were about being more open to other thoughts.
So let me turn to something completely different. Today, I (through my agency) will be sponsoring a program called "Intimacy, Desire, Domesticity and Eroticism: What Does Judaism Have to Say About it?"
by Esther Perel. (http://www.estherperel.com/) Esther, a family therapist, talks a lot about how being in a relationship with kids, stresses and the like affect a couple's ability to have an intimate relationship. So far, the sign ups have not been great, but i am hoping for a nice turn out. Esther is supposed to be great. I will let you know tomorrow how it went.

The kids are Actually Rabbis

2007-03-07T08:39:00.000-05:00

Last night, I had the opportunity to attend Yeshivat Chovevei Torah's (http://www.yctorah.org/) fourth annual dinner. The food by Main Event (http://mecaterers.com/) was delicious and there were over 400 people there. One of the striking things was the apparent age of this year's smicha class, which appeared to be about 14 or 15. They were honored as part of the celebration last night. My wife kept referring to them as the "kids." However, ignoring the fact that they do not look old enough to shave, (and the fact that as we get older, the Rabbis get younger) when some of them got up to speak, it was awesome. And, according again to my wife, somewhat sad. I will get to that later.
As a yeshiva high school grad who neither went to Israel after high school nor continued my formal Jewish studies, I have a lot of respect for those who choose to go on to ultimately join the Rabbinate. There are, of course, many different paths that one can pursue to achieve that end, and the older I get, the more those paths seem to increase or diverge. Not only for the Rabbinate, but for Judaism as well. Chovevei Torah represents one of those wonderful divergent paths.
Founded by Rabbi Avi Weiss from the Hebrew Institute of Riverdale,NY, (www.hir.org) Chovevei is attempting to create a generation of "open Orthodox" rabbis and leaders. Not everyone is: a) accepting of them and their ideas; and b) tolerant of their existence. I provided a link in an earlier post that referenced a recent article about how Chovevei is evil and dangerous. (http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/?p=5269#more-5269) This was an article that was referenced over and over again last night as the "kids" spoke. What is true, by all accounts, that these newly minted Rabbis are traveling everywhere, and making some tremendous impacts on the lives they touch, not only in the orthodox community, but in others as well. Take a look at this post (http://djsinger.blogs.com/) by someone who identifies closely with the Reform movement. The rabbi that he is referencing here was a panelist at a presentation at the dinner last night, and is the Hilel Rabbi in St. Louis. That's right, as in Missouri. There ARE Jews there. And they are graduates of Chovevei. Ok, I am sure you can find a Chabad Rabbi there too, but they are not the point of this post. What it is all about is finding a way, a real way, to reach out to everyone without compromising your own standards. And this is what Chovevei is trying to do.
One of the panelists last night was asked about the role of Women in the synagogue. The response, waffled at best, was that there needs to be a place for women in the synagogue, and it will be up to the individual Rabbi to figure out how to do that. Ok, so they did not answer the question. And i don't see chovevei admitting women to the Smicha program. However, Rabbi Weiss DOES have a woman on the Rabbinical staff at HIR, Sara Hurvits, who is the Madricha Ruchanit. (http://hir.org/madricha_ruchanit.html) Some of you might feel this does not go far enough, but it is a start.
Where Chovevei falls short, again, according to my wife, who has been very involved in this conversation is where they lay claim to advancing the Orthodox agenda with the non-orthodox, as though this is something that Chovevei has invented. The question of who are we, and what have we become is the one that needs to be asked when a newly appointed rabbi gets up and implies that he has created the notion that talking with conservative and reform rabbis is something new that he just thought of. It is not a reflection on chovevei....... but on the jewish people. Chovevei is attempting to set it right. The rest of us have it wrong. There was a post I read yesterday, about a religious woman riding an Egged bus to the Kotel for sunrise services. Without a long winded explanation, she refused to move to the back of the bus, (which is where women are supposed to sit apparently, according to a recent halachic ruling) and was beaten severely by a group of Charedim. She did not go quietly, and attempted to have the perpetrator arrested, and scolded those on the bus for allowing a religious woman on her way to davening to be beaten.
And this is why we need Chovevei. So thatwomen like the one mentioned above will not be beaten because they want to daven. And so they will not be invisible.

Purim, Google Style

2007-03-06T12:22:00.000-05:00

Yeshiva World News(http://theyeshivaworld.com/) ran the following banner from the Israeli Google home page on Purim. Pretty neat!!!!!

Only in Israel

The fall from grace

2007-03-04T10:24:00.000-05:00

Over the past 30 years or so I have witnessed the deposing (?) of several Rabbis. Each time, there were different reasons, and sometimes, I could even accept the decisions, even if I thought they were wrong. As a Jewish communal professional, I empathize with these Rabbis. It is very hard to try to be all things to all people, especially within the Jewish world. What I cannot fathom is how hard these professionals have fallen, from sought after "star" to banished reject. These same people, who were brought to the community with accolades, are now the subject of ridicule, insult and epithet. And why? Well, mainly just because. Because they don't smile enough. Because they smile too much. Because they are aloof. Because they have their "cliques." Because they don't reach out. Because they are not friendly enough. And the list goes on, you get the idea.
And while I might even be able, as a fellow JCP (Jewish communal professional) to understand why their being replaced might be appropriate, what I can't stomach is the insults, the lack of respect, the total disregard not only for their position, but for their peoplehood. I mean, come on...... these were people whom we esteemed. Lauded. Praised. And now, we can't even be quiet when they speak. It is beyond awful. Most of these Rabbis knew they were on their way out before the final ax dropped.
The least we can do is show them the dignity that they deserve.

The Jewish Halloween

2007-03-02T09:11:00.000-05:00

My friend Dave, (http://bogieworks.blogs.com/treppenwitz/) tells me that blogging is like having a baby. "It needs constant attention and feeding if you want it to thrive." Well, Dave, you haven't fed your baby in two days!!!!!!
As Purim (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Purim) approaches, everyone begins to get excited, especially the kids. The last week, the discussion at our dinner table was about "What I should be for Purim." And we are talking about teenagers here, not little kids. Now I have never had the privilege of being in Israel for Purim, which I understand is a blast, (no bad pun intended) but here in the states, i think of getting dressed up for Purim as a little kid activity, you know, like Queens Esther or Vashti, Mordechai, or Achashveiros, or, loi alaynu, Haman. (see the previous link if you need the translations!) But today, the kids want to be Britney Spears, (bald or not) or Michael Jackson, or some other non-purim like creature. Which brings me to my topic. Somewhere over the last week or two I read something equating Purim to Halloween. There is catachlysmic difference between the two, and the title of that article/post offended me. But as i listen to our kids, good kids, who go to Jewish day schools, and Jewish high schools, i do have to wonder why their focus is not on megilla, or shaloch manos, or matanot la'evyonim. Don't get me wrong. They will all read megilla, deliver shaloch manos, and give tzedaka, but that is not where their priority is as we get ready for Purim. Maybe I am jaded. Cynical.
Or maybe they are just kids.

Since I am feeling prolific tonight

2007-03-01T20:31:00.000-05:00

This, from "Little Green Footballs:"

http://www.littlegreenfootballs.com/weblog/

The Dark Corner of a Muslim Bookshop
Here’s a revealing look at the poisonous hatred being secretly peddled to Muslims in Britain while a friendly face is presented to the infidels, in the dark corner of a Muslim bookshop.
I popped into a Muslim bookshop yesterday to pick up material on the deeply weird world of Islamic Creationism for a book I’m writing. It’s a wonderfully atmospheric place – a cross between 84 Charing Cross Road and the Istanbul Grand Bazaar. Friendly, too. “Community leaders” love hanging out there, and even non-Muslims stop off to buy stamps and phonecards.
I came away with an armful of books attacking the Theory of Evolution, portrayed as a vile conspiracy involving drug barons and Freemasons. No surprises there.
On the way out of the shop, a thought struck me. I asked: “Do you have a copy of...?” and I named one of the bestselling books in the Arab world.
“Oh, no, we don’t stock that,” replied the amiable young guy behind the counter.
I looked disappointed. “I was sure you had it. I only need it for reference purposes.”
The guy looked at me suspiciously for a second, then relented. “OK, just a moment,” he said, and headed for a dark corner of the shop where there was a pile of slim red paperbacks. He handed me a copy. “That’ll be six quid, please.”
The title of the book? You may have guessed by now: The Protocols of the Elders of Zion.

The meaning of a Misheberach

2007-03-01T19:46:00.000-05:00

So readers, as I told you, (who number zero, but that will change soon) I was going to try to keep current here. Not being true to my word, I have not done so. But I figure, since no one other than me reads me, who cares?
Today I am going to actually write about something that was the basis of my starting this blog. Sort of.
I went to a training today for the Connecticut Military Assistance Program, which I am proud to say, enlists private mental health providers in the state of Connecticut to work with our vets. (http://www.dod.mil/mapsite/) I am proud because Connecticut is the only state in the country to provide private mental health services to Vets. It is a pilot program that will try to eliminate the red tape and bureaucracy that exists in the Dept of Veterans Affairs. The country will be watching us. We are going to get the help to our vets that they need. As I listened to the many Iraqui and Afghanistan vets that were there to educate us, i began, for the first time, to actually understand, and feel their pain. It made me think of how every week, the Rabbi says, "please turn to the back of your siddurim as we recite the prayer for those serving our country in Iraq." And every week, i think, ho - hum,
booooorrrrrrinnggggggg. But today, as i heard from soldiers who killed, and watched their brothers and sisters get killed in war, I had a whole new understanding. These men and women, many of whom are 18 when they are sent over to Iraq, or Afghanistan, have suffered a tremendous ordeal. It is not just "something over there" that we read about in the papers. It is real. People die. People are forced to kill. And then, they come home to...... nothing, in some cases. One story that a vet, who is a news reporter told us today is that he was walking down the street and heard a big truck hit the breaks with a squeal. Without even realizing what he was doing, he jumped into the nearest bush for cover. And that is what our soldiers face when they come home. Let alone while they are still there.
This week, when they recite the prayer for the soldiers, it will have taken on a whole new meaning for me.

How mighty are the righteous....

2007-02-26T10:12:00.000-05:00

I was raised in an observant Jewish home, in a small town in Pennsylvania. The Jews of my town all had to "play nice" because there were so few of us. The day school, (there was only one) was an orthodox institution, with children mainly from non-observant homes. When you reached the end of elementary school, you either went to public school, or went out of town to a yeshiva. I did both. I spent eight grade in public school, which for me, was a terrible experience, then went on to a very "right wing" yeshiva in upstate Pennsylvania, which was an even worse experience. Maybe one day I will write about those, but this is not the focus of today's rantings.
I grew up in a religious "no man's land." Not really relating to what I was learnng in yeshiva, but also pressured, (mostly internally) to adopt a "frum" lifestyle. Even more than the Lifestyle, was the religious philosophy. I went to yeshiva with boys from Boro Park and Williamsburg, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borough_Park with whom I had little in common. The trouble was, that in order to fit in, at the least, I had to listen to them, and at worst, maybe even agree with them. This was to become a source of frustration to me for many years to come.
As I moved out into the world, and got married, i slowly began to observe the Jewish World around me. For the first ten years or so, i remained pretty steadfast to all that I absorbed in yeshiva. As Jewish life disappointed me, (a much, much longer post) and I began to experience diversity in Judaism, my views moderated a bit. As time went on, and the people I have experienced and my own life experience have moderated my views, i was very distressed by the post I read recently on Yeshiva World News (http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/).
There was a reference to an article in Yated Ne'eman, (http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/?p=5269#more-5269) about how Yeshivat Chovevei Torah is not an Orthodox institution, but in fact, a threat to Halachic Judaism. It turns out, that over the last few years, for one reason or another, I have had reason to be involved with Chovevei. It is a wonderful place, producing, get ready for this..... Orthodox Rabbis who think!!! Imagine that. Instead of toeing the party line, here we have individuals who might actually have some original thoughts and try to make observant Judaism dynamic and responsive, the very nature of the objections raised in the Yated article.

Several years ago, I evolved a position of "It might not be for me, but that does not mean it is not valid." Which is to say that there is a world of opinion and diversity in Judaism, and while I might not be comfortable doing something, it does not mean it is WRONG or bad. All we need do is go back in our history a few hundred years, and we find the very Rabbis whom we point to as infallible, were roundly rejected by their peers and the organized Jewish community. We need look no further than Rambam or the Ba'al Shem Tov.

I say we need Chovevei. We need Rabbis who care about the women who are agunot, not the husbands who happen to have money and prestige. We need Rabbis who understand that there are problems in society that call for new options, just like the Rambam did with those "forced converts" and stuck to his guns in the face of might protest from those around him.

And in the end, it doesn't have to fit for us all, in each and every situation, but there is reason to have the opinions, and they deserve, rather, demand a voice.

Hebrew National and the World of Hashgacha

2007-02-22T13:11:00.000-05:00

For those of you, kind readers, (of whom there are none) I apologize for having been away so long. I might actually try to keep up on things here, but we'll see. Every once in a while, I take a look at the blogoshphere, and wonder 1) How is that the entire world feels compelled to post religiously, and 2) Once you have started, does blogging become a responsibility?
Today, i spent some time on two issues: One was the hashgacha known as Triangle K, (http://www.trianglek.org/) and the other was whether or not one is required to salt Liver when they are kashering it, or whether broiling is enough.(http://www.star-k.org/kashrus/kk-beef-liver.htm) I know these are esoteric issues, but they are what concerned me today.
The Triangle K issue is interesting indeed. I used to work in the kosher meat business on the production end, and am one of the few people who actually understand what Glatt Kosher is, and what actually happens to make Kosher meat kosher, and how Hashgacha works, since I also spent some of my youth working for Kashrut organizations. At the end of the day, it is clear that no one trusts the Triangle K, but no one has a reason for not trusting them. They all point to the fact that the Ralbags, who head the organization, are very pious indeed, and can point to no specific instance that would indicate that they, or by extension, their agency is not trustworthy. It leaves me in a quandary. No one eats it, but no one has a good reason not to. I once had a Rov who said that if there is no evidence to the contrary, and you know that the Rabbi is observant, you WERE NOT PERMITTED to question his supervision. I guess that does not hold true for the masses. So as for me, until one of you (invisible) people tell me otherwise, i will say that we can eat Hebrew National. (but of course not me..... see below)
As for liver, you will be happy to know that broiling does suffice, but there are those that salt the liver as well. Love that phrase "there are those that......" It allows for diverse opinions that have little basis in reality. (and hence..."we apparently don't eat Hebrew National")

A Big Wind Blows

2005-09-21T13:37:00.000-04:00

It occurs to me, that we people living inland, or on the upper part of the east coast never really have to deal with hurricanes. They are something that happens to other people, not to us. So hard as i try, it is hard to "feel" something that is so far out of my realm of experience. I have never lived through a flood, never experienced a hurricane. I think I once came face to face with a tornado, but it was short lived. Did some pretty nasty things to the houses and trees in the neighborhood, but was ove in ten minutes.
So I see the news that Hurricane Rita is now a category four hurricane, chasing after all those people that Katrina missed the first time. http://www.weather.com/newscenter/tropical/
It kind makes you wonder, why? Why do people live there in the first place? Why do they stay? The bigger question is why would they ever return? Though of course they will. People live in California with earthquakes, Florida, and the Gulf Coast, lots of places where nature can wreak havoc with their lives. So why do they do it? I imagine that most of these places are beautiful, and amazing to live in 95% of the time. So i guess it must be the 95% principle. Of course, you only have to die one percent of the time for it not to work.
By the way, I could have told you Rita was going to be a real pain. She has the office down the hall from me.

Why can't a woman be more like a man? Or... Whose kiddush is it anyway?

2005-09-20T09:15:00.000-04:00

My girlfriend reminds me (often) that we guys just don't get it. That the rules are not the same for men and women. We are entitled to share an opinion, as long as it theirs. And while I love and respect her, I wish that women could be more like men, at least once in a while. Or at least think the same thing that I do.

While I know that this is not a strictly man/woman issue, that is how it sometimes seems to me. And if some of you are offended by my title, it is a song from My Fair Lady, so don't get angry with me. Be angry with Frederic Loewe, or Alan Jay Lerner who were the creators of the book and song, based of course, on George Bernard Shaw's Pygmalion. In any event, I digress.

This morning was full of spirited discussion (read: argument) between my girlfried and I over
Kiddush. ( http://www.or-atid.org/What%20_is_Kiddush.htm). Of course, everyone has an opinion on a kiddush. It is too big, too small, not good enough, or, Heaven forbid, D A I R Y!!!! Enough to send the most seasoned kiddush goer screaming from the auditorium.

So today's discussion centered around whether or not one has an "obligation" to host a kiddush for an ocassion. Her contention was that we, (meaning "me") partake of (meaning "sponge off of") others' kiddushes every week, so when it is your turn, you have to return the favor. I thought (how silly of me, male that I am) that when you sponsored a kiddush, you did it because you wanted to celebrate a personal event, and celebrate publicly. I didn't understand (silly me again) that the real reason for a kiddush was to pay back everyone you "stole food" from all year long. Or if you are lucky, and your kids are small, you can sponge off of people for years before having to "pay" them back.

I have a little more than a year before I have to formalize the decision, since my son will not have his bar-mitzvah until next December. Plenty of time for more spirited discussion. Unless, of course, the birth of my grandchild, G-d willing, at the end of October necessitates an early arrival of the Kiddush obligation. In that case, we will have to continue the spirited discussion much earlier.

What my teachers never taught me

2005-09-19T17:01:00.000-04:00

When I was a kid, like everyone else, I went to school. I spent a lot of time there. Sometimes, I even learned something. I remember some of those days fondly, and others, were a nightmare. But that is not the topic of today's ruminations. I am a novice at this, and this is my first post.
Today, my schooling (formal at least) is long gone. But I re-live it with my son on a nightly basis. What strikes me, is that he is learning what the books say, but no effort to think is being asked of him. I went through the same thing, and suffer the effects to this day. We were taught "this is what is says, this is what it means, and this is how you do it." Why were the questions "what do you think about that" or "what does that mean to you" never asked?
He knows the story, and can even translate some of the Hebrew, but does he know what the relevance of the story is to his daily life?
It is sad indeed that teachers can't, or won't make children think. It handicaps them forever. I know.